Barbiology

I woke up this morning to the sound of Erin's voice telling me there was water everywhere.  I attempted to replace the kitchen faucet last night with my children by my side holding flashlights and offering encouragement and Erin lamenting the faucets look (why do people need fancy faucets where your dirty dishes go). I discovered late in the evening there were parts missing so I shut the water off with plans to exchange the faucet in the morning.  I guess i didnt tighten things all the way.  The kids enjoyed the indoor pool as I worked quickly to shop vac the mess, get the kids to school then go to the store to replace the faucet.  In the car I am discussing with the kids the morning and apologizing with yelling at them while I was trying to solve these problems.  Serena says to me "Daddy you cant do everything, you are a great dad though!"  Besides, only Barbie can know that many things, she has a dress for evvvvvvvvverything!

Not going to sweat it

Maybe it is because my legs are feeling well, or I just am in a great mood today, I think I may blog more.  Just some free flowing thoughts and observations in the days ahead.  I am thankful that I can walk, that my kids are helpful and that my wife is loving.  I am thankful for my personality.  I am thankful that my children want me to hold them and kiss them, I see they growing so rapidly, I hope fore healthier days so I can spend them with my kids, and relax with my wife.  I may not to get to see my friends as much as I like but if I have a great need they are there.  Have a lot of irons in the fire that I will share later as they get closer. 

If there is anything I can do to help or pray with you about let me know.  Take the time to cherish something about today.  The time machine is broke, cant fix yesterday focus on today!

Little Girl outside the door

When we first had the kids come into care with us, we would take them to a daycare while we worked during the day.  One day when Erin picked up the kids, the manager came to her and told her during the playtime activities outside the kids were brought in for nap and after about 20 minutes or so the realized Payten was no where to be found.  They searched the bathrooms and closets and finally realized they left her outside.  It was a fenced in area, and she was in a corner crying.  The door was locked and they could not hear her cries to come in.  I would like to say the manager received kind words and understanding, but that would be lying :-)

I love being a parent.  I love the almost daily discoveries my children make the questions that they ask.  I have hopes and dreams for them.  I try to listen to what they say to gain understanding of what is important to them.  I raise my voice, I talk calmly.  I settle disputes, break up fights, and sing with them.  I think about them all the time, the successes and the failures of my parenting. I was working on my 17 part lecture in the car "Lets love each other and love others" and the kids were silent as I spoke.  I looked at Payten and she was looking out the window. Payten is very loving and very emotional and pretty much just says whatever comes to mind.  She has been diagnosed as ADHD, and there have been struggles with that, on our end with being patient, her end with focusing, and unfortunately people on the outside that believe it to be a myth or an escapist way to "drugging our children" to make them behave.  I am not going to spend time on that today, we made the best decision based on prayer and research so if you want to talk about that later we can do that over lunch :-)

So I drop the kids off and they each come to me with hugs and payten goes in carrying the giant gymbag, and Collin says "Wait sissy I will help you"  and he grabs that bag that is almost as heavy as he is and walks into the school with payten following behind.  huzzah!  My children are helping!  My ego began to inflate to the awesomeness of my parenting and I drove to work.

I texted Erin with the events of the day, and she told me a story that happened yesterday, Payten was picked up early for a doctors appointment and Collin was in the car.  As Payten approached he told Erin, "Sissy sure is pretty!"  Payten responded without skipping a beat "Finally!  Somebody thinks I'm pretty!"  My heart sank.  I make every effort to encourage my children every day, telling them I love them, they are beautiful.  Even still that is what she said.  AM I listening to her enough, am I too hard on her?  So many emotions flying through my mind.  Kids can be hard to handle, uplifting and sometimes discouraging, but one thing I picked up on early on, they are more honest in what they face then us adults.  As I learn to march to the beat of Payten's particular drum, I pray for friends to love her and understand her.  I pray for support for our family and especially for Payten for someone to open that door for her, include her, respect her and love her.  Don't let someones differences and disabilities defeat love and friendship

A letter to my son

Dear Son

I love you.

I love when you are asleep at night and I lay next to you, you find me with your little hand and scratch my chin

I love when our eyes meet, like today as you walked out of school and ran to me.  Keep that up

I love our conversations in the car.  "Daddy why do Transformers need butts when they don't poop?"  or "Daddy I want to be magic, Jesus can stay but I want him to let my fly around everywhere"

I love you for your lucky shirt, which you just knew was the reason we got a free Happy Meal today.

I love sitting at the end of your bed watching you sleep, praying for your health and for you to trust Jesus into your heart.

I need you to know a few things

When you came to us, I was scared.  You were sick and even though I dreamed of raising someone with special needs I was afraid I would do something wrong.  You just smiled.  You are a precious treasure to me and your mommy

We need to go outside and play, I am sorry my legs don't cooperate very well, but lets go exploring in the woods.

Lets play more LEGOS and just build whatever with your imagination.

Lets read more books and Ill do the voices of the characters.

I love when we "sing songs" at night, Little Drummer Boy, Twinkle Twinkle, Take me out to the ballgame, and our special one we made up

(to tune of chorus Train Hey, Soul Sister)

Heeeeey hey hey hey hey
You are my son, and I love you
You are my big big boy
You love your sissies (and Connor!) and your mommy
and you love your Daddy too!

Hey little Collin, oh I love that Collin on the radio, in stereo, hey there you go (kisses follow)

You will make friends, lose them, and find them again

You will succeed, You will fail, I will do my best to help you learn how to deal with both.

We will argue and fight, please know I want to teach you and instruct you and help you in this life.

Respect and Help others, work to learn humility

You will fall in love, your heart will break I will be there to listen.

I have failed you and will fail you, please be patient with me.

Love and respect your mommy, she loves you with all her heart.

As you grow and run past me just remember I will carry you for as long as I can, then let you run, and I will always be behind you praying for you.

I am blessed to be your father

Love Daddy

40 Things to do before I am 40

In just 11 days I shall turn 39 years of age.

39....how?!?? but I was just......

When I was younger I made a list of things to do when I grow up.  Number One was become President of the United States, this was influenced by a letter I received from Ronald Reagan with a book titled the White House.  Fast forwarding to 39 I find that job, to be for better men, women, robots than myself.  However I figured for fun and a little motivation to write more bloggery I would begin to compile a list.  This is my list and I will attempt to do some things outside of my comfort zone.

How many things should I do?  What should I do?  Where should I go?  I will stick to 40 things to do and see how that goes.

This is my short list, Ill expand it in a few days.  Just off the top of my head.

Tell each of my children I love them and my wife every day for the year

Take my kids to at least 40 parks or fun places to play this year WITH OR WITHOUT (challenge) my wife

Encourage or listen to someone everyday

Take a personal photo with at least 40 of my friends, individually would probably be smart lol

Attempt to learn to Roller Skate

Attempt to learn to Ride a bike

Attempt to Learn to swim

Tell 40 others about Christ (Just telling you, striking a conversation, hoping God will be glorified through my words)

Read the Whole Bible in a year

Memorize 40 verses

Sing a song in front of folks in a Karaoke place (Do these even exist anymore)

Lose approximately 40lbs (looking at about 160-165) figure I'll go back and forth a little

Read 40 books in a year (I've done 176 in a month, should be a breeze hehe) looking mainly for theology, history, biographies, sci-fi Ill take recommendations

Perform in a community play.

Find our future home (help)

At least that is some of my thoughts, figure it would be fun to try.

Two Years

I don't have screens in my front windows, victims of cats and kids long ago.  Dad's last project with me was to re-screen them and I have never been able to get them back in the windows.  The frames are weak and the the little plastic tubing just doesn't hold in the seams.  I just cant seem to throw them away.

My kids are asleep upstairs in a "cool kids club" they made with blankets.  I asked for a membership card and they said I was too old.  Erin watches re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter, I give up trying to understand why.

Yet I can't stop thinking about it

Dad will have been gone two years tomorrow, and I feel like that screen managing to fit in the frame but struggling at the seams.  My siblings deal with the day to day each with their own struggles, changes since he's been gone.  Mom has good days and bad, overall the communication between all of us could be better.

I want to record the kids memories of dad, there may not be much there, going to do it anyway  Connor tells me stories of hot dogs and how papaw loved nascar and guns. The kids wrote letters and drew pictures, I spend time with Collin telling him stories of Dad    I pray with my kids and as I pour my heart out, I sometimes fall asleep slumped on the floor.  Did dad do this?  Am i like him?  Have I let him down?  

It has been a slow go all this healing business.

The frames are bent, the seams are weak but they are still screens.

Dad I miss you, we miss you. Lord grant me the strength to deal with the day to day

Simple Things

Mornings are roughest.  I find myself awake at least 2 or 3 times a night now, laying on the floor some nights trying to stretch out my legs and feet.  The spasms come on almost instantly, capturing me and holding me hostage till they subside.  Closest thing I can think of to it would be a long term brain freeze in the legs.  You try to move your head in such a way to find some relief and all that seems to do is make the situation worse.  Thoughts are put on hold and rest is cancelled.  When relief comes I find myself in a corner, or in the floor staying still till it is safe to move again.

He comes over to hug me

Daddy what are you doing here?  He pats me on the head and hugs me.

I am watching out for ninjas!

Daddy you locked the door they cant get in, are your legs hurting you.  I will watch you.

There he sits till he falls asleep in my lap.

I daydream about they will become, what they will face, and if I will be there.  Can I get a deal on bride's dresses?

Daddy, lets go back to bed, I'll help you.  He tugs at me and i put all my effort into getting up quickly so it looks like he is strong.

Wow daddy I have super strength, can I drive now?

I laugh, and realize I've moved around too much and the spasms have started again.  I muffled a quick when you are 16, and try to get back to sleep.  Collin tries to wake up mommy and says I can drive at 8:16!!! 8:16!!

Shhh son its 4am

Oh daddy that is way too early to drive.