40 Things to do before I am 40

In just 11 days I shall turn 39 years of age.

39....how?!?? but I was just......

When I was younger I made a list of things to do when I grow up.  Number One was become President of the United States, this was influenced by a letter I received from Ronald Reagan with a book titled the White House.  Fast forwarding to 39 I find that job, to be for better men, women, robots than myself.  However I figured for fun and a little motivation to write more bloggery I would begin to compile a list.  This is my list and I will attempt to do some things outside of my comfort zone.

How many things should I do?  What should I do?  Where should I go?  I will stick to 40 things to do and see how that goes.

This is my short list, Ill expand it in a few days.  Just off the top of my head.

Tell each of my children I love them and my wife every day for the year

Take my kids to at least 40 parks or fun places to play this year WITH OR WITHOUT (challenge) my wife

Encourage or listen to someone everyday

Take a personal photo with at least 40 of my friends, individually would probably be smart lol

Attempt to learn to Roller Skate

Attempt to learn to Ride a bike

Attempt to Learn to swim

Tell 40 others about Christ (Just telling you, striking a conversation, hoping God will be glorified through my words)

Read the Whole Bible in a year

Memorize 40 verses

Sing a song in front of folks in a Karaoke place (Do these even exist anymore)

Lose approximately 40lbs (looking at about 160-165) figure I'll go back and forth a little

Read 40 books in a year (I've done 176 in a month, should be a breeze hehe) looking mainly for theology, history, biographies, sci-fi Ill take recommendations

Perform in a community play.

Find our future home (help)

At least that is some of my thoughts, figure it would be fun to try.

Two Years

I don't have screens in my front windows, victims of cats and kids long ago.  Dad's last project with me was to re-screen them and I have never been able to get them back in the windows.  The frames are weak and the the little plastic tubing just doesn't hold in the seams.  I just cant seem to throw them away.

My kids are asleep upstairs in a "cool kids club" they made with blankets.  I asked for a membership card and they said I was too old.  Erin watches re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter, I give up trying to understand why.

Yet I can't stop thinking about it

Dad will have been gone two years tomorrow, and I feel like that screen managing to fit in the frame but struggling at the seams.  My siblings deal with the day to day each with their own struggles, changes since he's been gone.  Mom has good days and bad, overall the communication between all of us could be better.

I want to record the kids memories of dad, there may not be much there, going to do it anyway  Connor tells me stories of hot dogs and how papaw loved nascar and guns. The kids wrote letters and drew pictures, I spend time with Collin telling him stories of Dad    I pray with my kids and as I pour my heart out, I sometimes fall asleep slumped on the floor.  Did dad do this?  Am i like him?  Have I let him down?  

It has been a slow go all this healing business.

The frames are bent, the seams are weak but they are still screens.

Dad I miss you, we miss you. Lord grant me the strength to deal with the day to day

Simple Things

Mornings are roughest.  I find myself awake at least 2 or 3 times a night now, laying on the floor some nights trying to stretch out my legs and feet.  The spasms come on almost instantly, capturing me and holding me hostage till they subside.  Closest thing I can think of to it would be a long term brain freeze in the legs.  You try to move your head in such a way to find some relief and all that seems to do is make the situation worse.  Thoughts are put on hold and rest is cancelled.  When relief comes I find myself in a corner, or in the floor staying still till it is safe to move again.

He comes over to hug me

Daddy what are you doing here?  He pats me on the head and hugs me.

I am watching out for ninjas!

Daddy you locked the door they cant get in, are your legs hurting you.  I will watch you.

There he sits till he falls asleep in my lap.

I daydream about they will become, what they will face, and if I will be there.  Can I get a deal on bride's dresses?

Daddy, lets go back to bed, I'll help you.  He tugs at me and i put all my effort into getting up quickly so it looks like he is strong.

Wow daddy I have super strength, can I drive now?

I laugh, and realize I've moved around too much and the spasms have started again.  I muffled a quick when you are 16, and try to get back to sleep.  Collin tries to wake up mommy and says I can drive at 8:16!!! 8:16!!

Shhh son its 4am

Oh daddy that is way too early to drive.

Be a Lifeline

I have stage 4 cancer

My husband is sick and cant work

We were in a car accident

My best friend died yesterday

All our furniture is lost

We sleep in the woods

Do you have a mattress?  I have slept in the floor for a long time

I just want to be able to shower

Will you pray for me?

Theses are some of the things I hear at Lifeline of Northern Kentucky from the people who come in.  Lifeline is a non-denominational, non-judgemental, non-confrontational, compassionate, loving, kind, different ministry that seeks to serve the tri-state by providing food, clothing, furniture basically trying to meet any needs at no cost.

I get that I have friends of many beliefs and non-belief.  Would it be too forward of me to ask, as your friend to consider volunteering here or anywhere?  My home is filled with material things, my fridge is filled with left-overs.  My children throw away non-eaten pop tarts.  I want to do more, help more show love and compassion more.

Hehe so much I want to say, break our hearts to show, act, give love to others, not the just the "I'm prayin for ya"

Make a donation, Volunteer, Pray, put your love into action.  Be different

http://lifelineofnky.org/

http://www.redcross.org/index.jsp

http://www.unitedway.org/

Husband, Father, Soldier, Friend

4am would come too early for him.  Mom would have his coffee ready and for a long time his cigarettes.  I'm not sure he even ate most mornings.  He would go warm up the truck and come back in one last time to kiss mom and to tell us he loved us.  We slept through most of them, and if we were fortunate we would be just awake enough to see him put the cover us up and kiss us on the head, then he was gone.

6:30 is to early to get up I tell myself, Erin is usually first up taking a shower.  I can hear Collin up already talking about cars or the cat.  He is wide awake, where does this energy come from??  I begin to call the kids to wake up and Katrina wants to be held.  My body aches but I take the hug and it knocks me back up against the couch.  Here comes Payten, "Daaaaaaaaaaad Collin is touching the cat."  She is the cat police.

Dad would come home sometimes by the time we got home, but usually later.  He found some odd job after work to make a few extra dollars, to help with bills or just to have a few extra dollars to get a snack at work, or in later years be able to play golf with his friends.  He wouldn't buy a club he would take ones that his buddies were going to throw away.  They were defective in some way to the owner, but my dad would take them as a treasure doing what he could to repair them.  He was so handy.

I struggle to get Payten's hair brushed, Collin fed and Serena is done helping.  Connor is bringing up the clothes, and Payten asks me what is Veterans Day?  I have these moments where I want to give this long speech about something to teach the kids something, but usually the shorter answer is the best.  To say thank you for serving our country, I say.  Hmm, Payten replies when do they get to stop serving daddy?

Around this time two years ago, my dad was in a hospital bed he had blockages in his heart that required surgery, the hospital had little signs they were putting on the doors that said happy veterans day.  Dad was proud of serving, his stories of being in the marines was something as a child I didn't quite get, and as I got older appreciated most of the time.  Now I would give anything to hear them again.  Tell me dad how you met Chad Everett, or how you met John Wayne.  Just one more time.

I thought long about the question, and answered "I don't think they ever stop, Payten."  Veterans serve their country their family and their friends.  Veterans put themselves last when they deserve so much more. Pa-paw served Uncle Donny served, Grandpa served, others served, to protect you.

It was a windy day at the cemetery the day they laid my dad to rest,  Amazing grace played on the loud speaker, the 21 gun salute was given.  Stephen Lee Bridgers 1944-2011 a devoted husband, loving father, a hero to us, even if I didn't say it enough appreciate it enough.  Day in and day out he had a heart of service, honoring his country and loving his family.

Tonight, I will go home, to hugs and kisses.  I will listen to my childrens stories and then I will put them to bed, I will cover them up and pray over each of them.  Thank you for those who served who will serve and who died so my family can live.  Dad...I love you

All I want to do is hug you

He hugs me more than my girls and son.  He hugs you as you are walking down the hallway, brushing your teeth or putting on your shoes.  He loves to talk about basketball, but yells COME ON REDS when they are losing. 


He loves to do what he calls the cha cha cha which is him dancing in place either shuffling his feet or doing a hula motion.  He wants me every night to pray with him, tries to rub me knees when they hurt.

My earliest memory of Connor was when he was born, I was surprised when my sister said she was going to have a baby, it is a bit surreal when you see those you love now no longer kids but mothers.  Seemed like a new beginning, one filled with promise, I was never more happy for my sister.  He would visit us on the weekends but he always wanted to be with his mom.  Soon after we became parents and I didn't see him as much.

Sometimes at night I come back in his room and cover him back up, the boy likes to fidget in his bed.  I kiss him goodnight and thank the Lord for Connor.  Life's twists and turns have us in custody of him, it wasn't what I expected.  Another night praying for another day of peace for him, hoping that someday my sister will make better choices and they will get back together.  The prayers seem repetitive but we keep praying.  I love my mom, I hope she gets better uncle Kev.  I hold back emotion and just hug him tighter.  Uncle Kev you are a strong lumberjack he says, which gets me to laugh and we sing silly songs and he drifts off to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to deal with all of this, and there he comes around the corner with a coke in hand saying "I just want to love you, here is a coke Uncle Kev ." I am thankful for Connor, he is loving, kind and smart. Your general finding skills are damaged, however you are a excellent gamer hehe.   I just want there to be peace, I love him dearly.  Happy Birthday Connor, Erin and I love you.  You are smart and funny and helpful and kind.  You are like a big brother to Collin and I am thankful for you.  Through all of my failings and inconsistencies Connor shows nothing but love.  I pray for the restoration of his family and that I be consistent.  Julie, he loves you and we love you too.

Happy birthday my love

Her curly hair was the first thing I noticed.  All of these little springs bouncing up and down, I mean how does hair do that?  I am all about buzzed hair the curls had me entranced.  The next thing I noticed was the rainbow outfit, top and pants.  Your sister was in the nursery and I think I thought once the social worker saw us she would turn right around and take you home because mommy and me were not ready.

The worker came, said a few words and that she would meet us next week.  I thought she would come home with us, maybe even stay a few hours.  All the months of training I was forgetting, my attention diverted by a 4 day old girl and you.  Your tears began to wrap themselves around my heart, and all I wanted to do was make faces at you hoping to crack a smile.  Instead, you cried louder and only let mommy hold you.  I carried your sister out to the van and for the first time put you in your car seat.  You cried all the way to our house, and I was trying to remember how many steps to the upstairs, so when I carried you in I wouldn't trip.  We walked in, and you saw a dog for the first time, and SCREEEEEEEAMED.

I laid in the bed with you and began to pat your back, I tried to remember some kids songs and I think muddled through Twinkle Twinkle and the 80's  GI Joe theme song.  I was even doing the patting wrong as you moved my hand to your diaper and started patting.  There are 2 kids in our house....no 9mths, no baby shower, just here and now.

Last night you wanted me to lay with you and Payten, reminding me it had been awhile since Mommy had been sick at least.  Both you and I are bigger and your toddler bed has been replaced by a never comfortable to daddies bunk bed.  We talked about cakes, and shopping, baby dolls and stars.  I watched you drift off to sleep, remembering those early days and amazed I didn't somehow break you or lose you.  You are a treasure, a priceless treasure that continues to take my breath away.  You still hold my hand, you tell me good bye and ask me when I am coming home.  I haven't done it all right, too many nights of video games or raising my voice, but you show me unchanging love.  I watched with amazing as your read your first book, had me pull the car over when you asked me If you could trust Jesus into your heart.  I had some crazy dreams growing up, but now I can't imagine anything better than being your dad.  I love you Serena, thank you for loving and believing in me.


You are the sweetest thing
a father could ever have
four parts love one part mischief
when you ask to hold my hand
As the days go by and you grow up
from child to teen to woman
I will try to keep up
while helping you move forward

While you are still 8

There are some things I want to tell you while you are still eight

Show compassion

Love others

Play outside

Smile

Use your imagination

Stuffed animals and baby dolls are always allowed in bed

Draw a picture, daddy will take them all

Please don't stop holding my hard, in fact hold it longer

Make a lemonade stand

Write a song, then sing the song.  Try to sing it backwards

Cartwheels are fun!

Feel the grass between your toes, put your feet in a creek and feel the rocks

Love your friends even when they hurt you

Love your Mommy and Daddy

Stop and feel the wind hit your face

Roll down a hill

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Ride a bike

Swim

Remember that we will ALWAYS love you and are proud of you.

Feel free to repeat these things when you turn 9

Just a little longer now

These days I sleep upstairs in my nephews bed.  Its not by choice, the simplest movement wakes her up and gives her pain.  I get up to get a glass a water and I hear her crying in pain.  I am helpless, She cant turn to kiss me, and me simply placing my hand on her arm can send pain shooting through her body.  So I lay on the floor, next to my nephew who wants to stay close to her in case she needs help.  She begs me to go upstairs as I have work in the morning.  Sometimes I lie, telling her its 2:00 when its actually 4:00am or that I am really sleeping.  I think of people in the bible who went through so much more than us, or think of friends or acquaintances who deal with more to try to get perspective.  As the muscles spasm in my legs I quietly hum songs to myself, think of those who have helped dealing with thoughts of frustration and anxiety for not knowing what the next day will bring or think of funny things the kids have done recently.  But fun lately seems more like chores and they are kids who want to run jump and play.  I feel guilty, but I know it will get better, it must get better.  She's finally drifted off to some form of sleep and I pop and crack my way upstairs and fall into bed.  It seems its time to get up now as my five-year old son greets me with a sleepy hug and says, "Mommy is OK daddy, I will take care of her.  I distribute medicine, give my nieces instructions for the morning and go downstairs to gently as I can hold my wife's hand.  I am no hero, I am a husband and a father trying to deal with this.  I know I cant go it alone.  Her surgery is soon, and with it the hope this pain will be gone and we can go back to our lives.  I started to walk out the door this morning and as I make it to the car my oldest daughter comes out and hands me a granola bar.  What's this for? I ask.  Daddy mommy is hurt so I have to take care of you.  The littlest things can make the greatest impact.  So for those who pray, thank you, for those who listen thank you for those who cook thank you.  To my children, your love is amazing.  Just a little bit longer now.

I love you-yeah its going to be mushy

13 years ago at about this time I was sitting in a room with some friends and my dad.  My thoughts were of our future, our dreams and hopes, the fact that you and I could be together forever.  I was scared, that I would fail you.  I was not yet able to drive, your father did not seem to like me, and I had just recently began my first full time job.  I pushed those thoughts aside, and discovered my legs were beginning to bother me, Dad said to me, "It will be ok, just stay steady and shift your legs when you are standing there"  I am proud of you son.  Even as I type that tears are welling up in my eyes man dad I sure could use you now.  The music began, and I walked out to what seemed like a sea of people.  Your family alone would have filled the room.  There were old friends, old co-workers all smiling.  I walked up and took my place, our pastor asking me if I needed a chair.  "Stay steady son"  "Stay Steady."


You were beautiful, and looking as though you forgot to breathe.  I just kept saying, I love you.  Who knew you would become even more beautiful  Our love has grown beyond just words.  You loved me when you took me to work when I didn't drive.  You loved me  when you encouraged me to get my license, go back to school, write a book.  Our love grew even more when we all we could do was cry when we thought there would be no children.  Why don't we go to this informational meeting about foster care?  Uh sure.  3 girls 2 boys later here we are.  When our son was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia, you studied and asked questions, days and nights spent at the foot of his hospital bed making sure he was never alone. Or when Katrina needed heart surgery, there you were in bed with her playing with a stethoscope.  Payten trying to deal with ADHD and feeling so sad you were there to encourage and strengthen her.  All of this then Connor comes to stay and you take him with open arms, watching over and loving him.  I know you are discouraged dealing with the pain but in this sea of trials, here we are still standing, still laughing, still loving. Stay steady my love we will get through this.  Happy Anniversary my love.

Grow old with me

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be..
-Robert Browning

I am a sensitive person, I don't apologize for this.  I value friendship and family at the highest.  When dad died I was fortunate to find comfort in my faith friends and family.  However when those areas come up lacking...there is always Erin

I am a thankful person, Erin is my help and at times my strength.  She is my greatest ally and my harshest critic.  We came together at a point in my life where I was lost, unsure and just tired.  I find her to be beautiful and funny, interesting and loving.  We are a team.

I am a blessed person,  we struggled to conceive and thought our later years would be spent with our nieces and nephews.  But it was Erin who wanted to go to the Foster Care Meeting.  A few years later, out lives are blessed with 5 lives.  Erin is responsible

I am a tired person, when I am weary at my job/life it is Erin with the "What is wrong, don't try to lie" I believe if I wanted to become a rodeo clown, she would start making calls to find the nearest rodeo college.  Yee-Haw

I am a needy person, she is sitting at the hospital ready to have angiogram.  I've had one before, all was fine, I don't believe this will be any different.  I just want you to know through all the storms I am thankful for our love.  There is so much more fun to come, grow old with me and find out :-)

Funny thing happened on the way to the hospital part 2: Rap attack!

Quick update, mom is improving and barring any major changes will go home today or perhaps tomorrow, please keep her in prayer.


Now with a little more sleep in me allow me to continue to share.  The two boys mother showed up after a long day at work and greeted us and began to attend to her mother.  They talked about the previous night and apparently the youngest grandson stayed up too late after having what his mother called "a rap attack."  The image in my head of me tired but rising up from bed with a Huey Lewis Harmonica attack came into my mind, and I laughed.

Hey man...got something for you

Um sure whats that?

A Zelda Rap I made just for you....

This should be interesting I thought....

(Disclaimer---from my memory might have been slightly different)

Zelda... be out hunting

Evil be around but he aint running

Goona save the princess and save the world 

Not sure how to rhyme about tri-force



I loved every bit of it, even if NERD ALERT Link was really behind the rescue.  Carry on!

I thanked him for the rap, and we talked about how little I recall about Rap (Sorry Jessie May still love you)

Mom at this point woke up and wanted see if her roomie was ok? and we shared some laughter and smiles,

and with that we began to get ready to leave for the night.

Erin, was going to stay and I would go home as I had a pretty nasty chest cold and was losing my voice.

Kissed my love, and then came in another grandson, a little older with a little boy and his wife.  We talked
about kids, discovered we adopted in the stream of things and we talked about the joy of kids. Since Erin was staying and it was a shared room we had to be moved a few doors down.  We promised to see them again and after a few more fist bumps and hugs we were on our way


 All this fellowship, this example of devotion just stirred something inside of me.  I acknowledge I am different and this may not be how everyone handles things but something about kindness, respect, and friendliness just does something to me.  Maybe that's why I have been manning a phone for 15 years :-)

Next morning, bought them a card wishing their grandma a full recovery and got them a couple of gift cards, not because I'm great or my wife, or I was trying to seek any praise, but just because I wanted to thank them for their love to my mother and to us.

I arrived and it was the grandsons visiting mom asking if she goona get another big mac, she laughed and said pot roast today my friend and after a few minutes he started to leave...

Aren't you going to give me a hug young man?

Can I??  sure!

Mom's blood pressure has been back and forth and as we tried to help her sleep I learned that the grandsons were leaving perhaps for the rest of the day.  It was then my mother said "you better go tell them good bye.

I made my way over with erin and after a few smiles, handed them the card, It was then the smiles came to tears.

Why did you do this??

You are good people!

I mean I just don't understand...you don't see my ...and for the first time he hesitated

Your color?

Yeah...

You are right, I don't "see" it I see a young man who loves his family his grandma and my mom you just happen to be black and I am a older balding fat man who happens to be white.

We hugged, "you are now my brother, I will never forget you Mr Bridgers, can I rap for you one more time?

Sure man, let it rip (probably a more hip response, but my hips hurt usually)

I won a talent show at school with this take a listen... (from memory)

Hundreds of years we were in chains

too many years spent as slaves

people all excited about the president you see

but it cant be all about him  change has to start with me

Education, knowledge that is the key

Stay in school and try to believe

keep love in your heart as Jesus says

and try to treat others as friends.

Did you like it?  You know my grandma got up on the stage with me and rapped

I couldn't form words for a moment, remembering growing up, remembering my father's confederate flag and putting that little scholastic newspaper announcing the official Martin Luther King holiday next to it writing "take down the flag dad"  He did.  Our family for its warts and failings strive to love others and I am thankful for that.

Did you like it?!!!??

Yes I did,you keep the meaning of the song together change those hearts and minds and remember the love the Christ has for you, you will do amazing things.  You are amazing!

So much love, and we parted ways, noticing...there was no curtain dividing us anymore, all started with cutting up a salad


Mom, we love you thank you for loving us and loving others

Funny thing happened on the way to the hospital....Part one

Interesting weekend to say the least, was was to be a Dr Who evening be came a weekend of worry, frustration and in the end understanding.

Mom went to the hospital with what we believed was a stroke related fall and as of this blog writing is recovering (no stroke) and hopefully will be out tomorrow.  We drove to a hospital a bit farther out of the way, at her request because she just could not be at the hospital where dad died.  She is weary and my family is tired.  Life just seems to wind you down at times, but she still has fight in her.  Who wants to keep fighting this ongoing mass of hospitals, sickness and tears?

After waking up at 4:30 in the morning to a call from sister we assessed the situation, decided to go to the hospital.  My amazing mother in law who I simply don't deserve came right away from an hour and a half away and took care of the kids.  Her embrace gave me strength as we got in the car, and we were on our way. By the time we arrived mom had just been admitted and soon I went back to see her.  She was as white as a sheet and I was scared.  Best we can figure she had fallen and had been in the floor for a couple of hours at least.  After a while she was admitted to a room, and we discovered we were not alone.

"Can I go home toooooo-day?"  "I want out now"  were the words we heard across the sheet that divided our two lands.  I must admit, I was worried this mysterious lady and mom were going to compete in chants.  Mom got settled in and as medicines were administered mom's color began to return and soon she began to eat.  Calls were made and facebook messages were sent and things seemed to improve. 

To-day!  Can I go home today?  Someone tell me if I can go home today?  The lady across the border began crying out and with that Erin's Social Worker Senses started tingling...

Hello!  Can I help you maam, do you want me to get your nurse?

Nurse!!!!  Can I go home TOOOOODAY ?

Er...um...Im not a....let me check

Erin this is not your hospital, stop it I jokingly said, but as the lady continued we discovered she was alone and Erin kept an eye on her.

Mom began to talk and recall the events of her fall, and were visited by her old pastor, and hoped for others to visit.  Our roomie finally had some visitors, two young men who we discovered were her grandsons.  The official nurse came in and erin stood close....ready to check on her again.

Mom was in and out of the room having tests done, and while we waited for her return, the boys left briefly and we heard

Where are you nurse?  Somebody tell me when I am going home?  Erin disappears helping her with her oxygen mask that got to the top of head, and just asked her how she was doing.  I WANT SOME SCOTCH!  Um I doubt the hospital has that, how bout I cut your food up instead for you.  Erin had officially begun to work for the hospital, now dealing with two patients. 

The boys came back and were surprised to find Erin had fixed her food, mask and just talked with her.  As the day wore on my thoughts drifted to losing dad, hoping that with each test mom would recover.  I prayed and asked for wisdom, peace and healing for my mother, Erin telling me she loved me and watching my sister work with mom and the nurses, giving and receiving information and using big words (sister is a cardiac nurse).  Meanwhile every five minutes or so, we would hear "I want to go home!"  One grandson, would speak into ear, now grandma they said you cant go home today, we love you have to get better, we only have one grandma.  Besides the lady who cut your food is good people and her momma is sick too we need to respect them.  The younger brother seemed pre-occupied with his music and was dancing bouncing up and spinning occasionally with the music.  I started daydreaming I was singing with Huey Lewis and the News, soon our worlds would collide...over a video game.

Mom was sleeping and my head was hurting from leaning up against the bed rail praying for mom.  Erin had left the room and I grabbed my handheld gaming device.

You like games?  he said from across the room

Oh yeah....for the moment feeling silly that his kid sees me playing a game instead of I dunno adult things, drinking fiber...reading technical manuals.

What kinda games you like?

When am I GOING HOME %@##!!

Grandma!  don't be cursing now, these peoples mama don't need to hear that

We smiled, and we talked a little bit about games and he talked about hoping to get  a ps4

Erin came in and peeked around the corner

NURSE YOU CAME BACK TO ME!

The grandsons thanked her for helping and began to talk to my mom, asking "when you gonna get your grub on"  Mom smiled and thanked the boys for caring.  The curtain that separated us began to move a further back.


Soon the boys mom came from work and we shared stories of our families, and her boys began to ask there mom for some money for drinks and left for a bit giving Erin mom & I fist bumps as we left.  Something seemed so different about this family and I liked it.

Getting sleepy...so will do part two tomorrow about the Rap Attack!!

Payten

There is an older lady at my church, and for as long as I can remember she has struggled with communicating with others.  You can tell there is something there that is missing and usually she spends the church service muttering to herself.  I believe our church to be a very loving church, but in the hustle and bustle of greetings and goodbyes she is usually by herself.  Well that is, until she meets my Payten.

We were quite new as foster parents and were concerned that our daughters would be going home soon.  we then got a call of a little girl and boy that were close to having the parental rights terminated, and after some prayer and talking decided we would pursuit another placement.  The Foster Mom had a friend that lived in our neighborhood, and she brought over pictures of Payten.  She was beautiful, I felt so inadequate to be considered to take care of her.  Over the course of a few months she stayed with us and we loved each other, and later that year she became ours forever.

When you are in training, you basically mark on a checklist what you would be willing to work with, disabilities, abuse, drugs, social issue, race, religion.  It seemed easy to us, after all I have Cerebral Palsy, my dream was to help children with disabilities.  Some disabilities and conditions are easy to spot, others not so easy.  This is where the love comes in Payten was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, which can include being exposed to drugs and alcohol, so you enter in a situation with almost no medical history and few answers.  As Payten grew, she had some physical and occupational therapy but she always smiled, her deep blue eyes melting your heart.  She began to forms words and with words attachments to everything that hops crawls and flies as she would say one night while praying.  If she saw someone she began to talk to them and would hug complete strangers, Erin and I always near and always ready to apologize to whatever parent, stranger, grocery store clerk she would hug.  Always they would smile and say thank you.  So much love, but soon those blue eyes would become cloudy, a storm was brewing inside of her.  It began with the inability to stay on task, I recall one moment where she was to change her clothes and get ready for bed, she would go to her room, then ask what was I doing again, getting dressed I would say, she would say ok, then go make a bowl of cereal, clothes optional. After many instances and through research, training, talks with our doctor, and prayer we learned of ADHD

I am not a fan of medicine, even with the constant pain my legs are in, I fear they will fog my mind, and I carried that fear over to Payten.  I didn't want to lose her, the stories the smile, the unwavering love she shows others.  The doctor reassured me if anything was causing issues we would stop and try something else.  At this point payten was getting aggressive with her sisters, and then she would cry and in a quivering voice "Daddy why am I hurting"  You are never ready for the hurt questions, you yearn to tear at and remove anyone or anything that hurts your girls but how do you stop something that is inside the one you love.  So we began the slow process of medicine, some medicine kept her awake, some knocked her out.  One particular medicine made her incapable of calming down, she would scream so loudly I couldn't remember the blue eyes.  My daughters became scared of her, this was going to be a battle.  So we got more training, information and support.  Love is more than words, it is tight hugs, it is looks in the eye and smiling.  It is restless nights sitting at the end of the bed.  It is prayer. 

Finally, after what seemed like forever I came home from work, just an ordinary day but this time, there she was at the top of the steps, "Daddy...there you are!"  I saw those blue eyes, the raging sea inside her was calmer.  I wish for a day, in which people would understand her completely, where she can find a true friend, where people can see beyond the impulsiveness and occasional frustration and see her humor, her smile, her love for others and obsession with Ice Cream.  Lord give me the strength to see my children grow up.

So here we are the night before she turns 8yrs old, I asked her what her favorite memory of 7 was, "Chasing Cats" she said.  So what do you think about 8?  Well I made a friend today!

You see the Lady I mentioned at the beginning....From Serena

Daddy, you know the lady who sits by herself?
Sure, sweetie
Payten went up to her today
She did???
Yeah Payten asked her if she liked Ice Cream, and she told payten yes
What did payten do?
She said lets be friends then and they shook hands.

Payten, I love you Happy Birthday thank you for teaching me everyday. You are spectacular and I enjoy every moment.  Thank you for loving Mommy and me 

Collin

Yes I know, it has been awhile.  I find myself uncomfortable writing about my life at times, everyone has that crazy relative, that interesting friend or neighbor.  Their kids are filled with stories, so why bother folks with mine.  Today is special :-)


You were unexpected.  Mommy and I were moving on with our lives with three girls.  I was fine with that but always in the back of my mind had a thought of what would it be like to have a son.  Would you like cars, baseball, Final Fantasy, chicken.  Would you and I sit in the floor playing transformers, would you hold my hand?  Would we spend time in the emergency room?  Well no sense in thinking about it now I thought, I got girls to raise.

Then as usual for the last 7 years or so, the phone rang....

This is Kevin how can...

Heeeeeeeeees in care

Who is....

Collin!

Huh

BJRGRRRACT (Mommy talk....so happy words become sounds)

In my job, I attempt to have what I call a "clarifying" moment, where I try to summarize what they are saying, in hopes I can get us both on the same page early on.  Shockingly enough, this does not work with your mommy.

I had to put her on hold, collect my thoughts and dive back in.  You were in a home of a friend of ours and you were sick.  You were orange, and if you did not get help soon you would have died.  Forget all the daydreams, I just want you to live.

Biliary Atresia, Kasai Procedure, Liver Biopsy, Gall bladder removal, liver transplant down the road, all of these things were either discussed or done within a 72 hour period.  As we had already began adoption of your two birth sisters we began to talk to your birth mom and dad again.  Always try to find answers, don't begin with anger look for the common ground my son.  All of us agreed we would stay with you as much as we could, for now thinking this would be temporary.


People are funny son, you can know them for all your life and still be surprised at them in the blink of an eye.  Your birth mom and Dad, decided your health issues were too much to bear, and signed over their rights to raise you.  They gave you a gift of amazing love.  We are thankful for and love them.

So from hospital bed to pre-school bus on the way to the zoo.  You have grown so much, you love to show me your super speed, and you are my best buddy.  Life is greater with you in it :-)  I still have much to learn, I will fail, I will fall.  You will make amazing friends that stand with you, you will lose friends that will cause your heart to ache.  You will meet that girl, have that kiss and have your heart broke.  Be kind son, love others son, protect your sissys, be honorable and compassionate.  Have fun being 5 years old.  Mom and I will be beside you, aiding, loving, helping. We will meet the later challenges together as a family.  I love you son