I woke up this morning, to a call from my brother that Dad had a fever and was having complications with his lungs. It seems as though for the past 2 weeks, every day there is a call and with it a sense of rising dread. I arrived and sat by his bedside in the ICU for about 3 hours and talked to him while the very kind nurse comforted me and offered my a warm blanket and apple juice. I sat transfixed at my father watching his every breath in hopes of a moment of lucidity as I bored him with stories of the previous days events. I made sure that he knew that we loved him, that we were proud of him and he was so brave for going through his 2nd surgery in 2 weeks. His hair has gone mostly gray, with a few sports of dark hair remaining and it was all i could do not to cry when I would see tears form in his eyes as they would move to check him.
Various doctors came in throughout the day at it seems that now treatment will take a bit longer. By the end of the evening he finally awoke and we gradually went back into pairs to see him. I finally saw his eyes and a moment of a smile as he talked briefly to my uncle apologizing for something then apologizing to my wife and then looked at me and said, "I have 1,000,000 things I want to say to you and 2,000,000 ways I want to say it." Figuring he had discovered my midnight trips to the Mexican border, I did not know how to react. He also said, "I want you to write something on the computer for me to read." So if you will allow me a moment more of your time I shall share with you a few of those things he would like me to say on his behalf:
Thank you Lord for giving me another day
Thank you Lord for my precious wife of 39 years we are a matching pair and you have been with me through thick and thin. You are very precious to me, and you dont have to make me anymore hot dogs on a piece of bread for at least a month! I love you
Thank you my sons and daughters for getting through this difficult time with only minor injuries. I am sorry for not always being there for every event but I worked hard to keep food on the table and clothes on your backs. Thank you for taking care of your mother.
Tara: I gave you a lot of grief through this but thank you for making me go to the doctor. I love you Chey, and you too Devin. Dusty come fix my carburetor (not responsible for misspelled car part names)
David: I am so proud of who you have become you work so very hard and you never give up, Tara you are perfect for him also...can you pay me while I am in here maybe throw in a little overtime. Brittany, Nikki & Scott I love you too.
Julie: Your mom and I love you very much and want you to succeed in life you can do it you just got to get off your rear and do it. (I say rear but you know what dad would really say :-) ) We love Connor and are so thankful for him
Tracy: Thank you for staying with me, you are good mother and you tried to rub my feet, it was a decent attempt but only Kevin knows how to rub them. We love you Maryanne, Rebekkah, Lauren, Christian
Gina: I am so sorry for all those years I didnt see you and Tim, I do love you and I will make more of an effort to communicate with you.
Carolyn: I appreciate you and Bobby & Bo coming out to see me. I wish I lived closer thank you so much for loving and praying for me.
Erin: I love you and I am impressed with your determination and love. Serena, Pay-Pay, Katrina & Collin Papaw and Mamaw love you honey.
Obviously there are so many people dad would like to thank but I will leave at that to say this. Enjoy this thanksgiving whether its you and your cat or you and 23 friends. There is so much to be thankful for and so little time to express it. Put aside the differences and Put family back together, wherever they are. Spend, record, receive every moment that it give you strength during those days and months when you are weary. Play board games, watch football, make jokes, smile, reflect on all that has been given to us. Because we are never promised tomorrow, I am just thankful dad got to today. Hey dad stop reading and go back to sleep!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Where the rubber meets the road
I cant sleep, I spend more time now thinking of things to calm me as we go down more of a rougher road than I was expecting.
Dad has struggled and is still in the hospital, needing a second surgery which was needed it seems in part due to some nurse issues. He sits in the recovery room right now sedated in part to let his body rest. He looks like he's lost some weight which puts me back in the lead for "family gut of the year." The surgeon told mom to go home today because "pardon me ma'am but you look like hell."
I honestly don't know which end is up right now. It sure is easier when times are better to sit down on Thanksgiving and thank the Lord for all he has given us. However when the boat really rocks do we sit still and know God is really there and listening or do we jump out of the ship? It really is a struggle at times. Then I come home and there are my biggest supporters. Daddy, we are going to have a humming contest want to join us. So I join in and for about 30 minutes we have a "contest" followed by some bedtime stories and talks about what is going on with papaw. So I climb back onto the boat and the waves hit, It is well with my soul sounds good. Funny how the Lord knows just who to use to get me back on board. Dad please come home, I need to hear those stories again, I need to hold your hand to see if my grip is stronger than yours. I need you to come to my garage to look for random things to take home to "fix."
I just need you
Dad has struggled and is still in the hospital, needing a second surgery which was needed it seems in part due to some nurse issues. He sits in the recovery room right now sedated in part to let his body rest. He looks like he's lost some weight which puts me back in the lead for "family gut of the year." The surgeon told mom to go home today because "pardon me ma'am but you look like hell."
I honestly don't know which end is up right now. It sure is easier when times are better to sit down on Thanksgiving and thank the Lord for all he has given us. However when the boat really rocks do we sit still and know God is really there and listening or do we jump out of the ship? It really is a struggle at times. Then I come home and there are my biggest supporters. Daddy, we are going to have a humming contest want to join us. So I join in and for about 30 minutes we have a "contest" followed by some bedtime stories and talks about what is going on with papaw. So I climb back onto the boat and the waves hit, It is well with my soul sounds good. Funny how the Lord knows just who to use to get me back on board. Dad please come home, I need to hear those stories again, I need to hold your hand to see if my grip is stronger than yours. I need you to come to my garage to look for random things to take home to "fix."
I just need you
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Dad
Tomorrow is Veterans Day, a day which is set aside to thank and remember those who serve and have served our country. I am fortunate to have a father who served in the Marines and is very proud of that, as he was stationed in California he never had to go to war but he was prepared to do so.
He lies in a hospital bed at this moment 67 years old and filled with tubes and monitors. He had a quadriple bypass today and he came through just fine. While we sat there today comforting my mother telling her it will be just fine, when deep down in the core of yourself you have doubts, I thought of my dad. My earliest memories were of him holding me on the couch after a long day at work or letting me watch him build things in the garage. He was larger than life to me, a superhero who when I needed him, he was there with a smile and a hand to help me. We drove once to meet a man I believe about some car parts and it was just me and him in his old pickup truck. We picked up the parts and began to head home, I began to drift off to sleep and laid my head in his lap. He scratched my head and sang to me a song, Abilene, Abilene, prettiest town I've ever seen Abilene. I didnt get it but it was ok because he sang it to me.
He worked all the time, sometimes 10-12 hours a day. Cable TV installer in its early days, forman, warehouse worker, ditch digger anything to put food on the table. He would come over and slump into the chair, mom had a meal ready for him and he would ask me to rub his feet. His feet ached so much and I loved him, so I'd rub and rub untill he would fall asleep in the chair. He'd wake up early mom would hand him over a coffee cup and off he would go. He did this for over 40 years, never missed a day, always dependible, always dad. He can strike up a conversation with anyone and always has an opinion about something. I swear he wore the same 2 outfits for decades as he didnt ask for clothes or shoes just a few tools if something was broken and a hot dog on a piece of bread. Because of my legs I had to buy special shoes which cost a small fortune and I could only afford once a year, so he would work extra hours so I could have those shoes. This type of life made spending time with him hard, but when we did I always cherished it.
My 1st baseball game was with him Reds vs Giants as we stood in line my father walked up to the front of the line got a policeman and asked if I could move to the front of the line as it was my first game and my legs were acting up. The officer and crowd obliged him. I began to believe he was magical. We went down by the first base side to get autographs and there was the "Cobra" Dave Parker signing autographs. We got there as Mr Parker began to walk away. I then hear "Mr Parker!! Mr Parker!! wont you sign an autograph for a handicapped child?!?? As I began to feel the pain of embarassment surrounding me I hear, Hey kid got something for me to sign, your dad really loves you. I responded with the answer of MRRRPHLJ. My dad is something else :-) We spent the rest of the day at a dinner and began the drive home, I fell asleep my dad with his arm around me...."Abilene....Abilene.....(I really should ask him about that).
When I graduated high school, I was accepted to college and I began the process of preparing to leave. It was down in eastern Kentucky and dad was to drive me down there. We drove down in a 1984 Renault which got .08 miles to the gallon, and any speed beyond 55 mph the car would shake. We were passed by every car for over 100 miles by the time we got to Berea, I was sure the car was to explode. But we got there and dad and I carried my few boxes in. As we finished up, he turned to me with tears in his eyes "I have never been more proud of you" he kissed me on the head and drove that little blue car back home. He could have purchased a more reliable car but he wanted to make sure we could have a roof over our head and I could have a little spending money for school.
All these memories flood back to me as I ran to his room this morning just wanting a moment more to see him before they wheeled him in. This man who to me is larger than life, who should be talked about instead of fame seeking reality show wives or sports figures. Loving his family for 40+ years, giving till he could give no more laying on that bed looking helpless, fragile and scared. Dont worry bout me son, I'll be fine Ill be fine I'll be fine. I dont want to be at this point at my life regardless of what I believe, I want him to be young again watching westerns with me, singing songs with one verse, working on project that never get finished. I dont want to see my mother look so fragile and lost without him on the verge of passing out. I want her to live on singing elvis records to me, getting frustrated at dad and throwing pillows at him. I dont get to change the past I have to cherish now.
So Erin and I went into to see him after the surgery and we had just a few moments. I held his hand and stroked his hair as he lay there asleep. I told him how much I loved him and joked that he will get the snow blower he wants this Christmas and I notice the nurse taping a "Happy Veterans Day" sign to his door. I thanked her for the gesture and began to walk out, but dad in case you didnt hear me I sang you a song....."Abilene Abilene....prettiest town I ever seen"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1b2M8u90yQ
He lies in a hospital bed at this moment 67 years old and filled with tubes and monitors. He had a quadriple bypass today and he came through just fine. While we sat there today comforting my mother telling her it will be just fine, when deep down in the core of yourself you have doubts, I thought of my dad. My earliest memories were of him holding me on the couch after a long day at work or letting me watch him build things in the garage. He was larger than life to me, a superhero who when I needed him, he was there with a smile and a hand to help me. We drove once to meet a man I believe about some car parts and it was just me and him in his old pickup truck. We picked up the parts and began to head home, I began to drift off to sleep and laid my head in his lap. He scratched my head and sang to me a song, Abilene, Abilene, prettiest town I've ever seen Abilene. I didnt get it but it was ok because he sang it to me.
He worked all the time, sometimes 10-12 hours a day. Cable TV installer in its early days, forman, warehouse worker, ditch digger anything to put food on the table. He would come over and slump into the chair, mom had a meal ready for him and he would ask me to rub his feet. His feet ached so much and I loved him, so I'd rub and rub untill he would fall asleep in the chair. He'd wake up early mom would hand him over a coffee cup and off he would go. He did this for over 40 years, never missed a day, always dependible, always dad. He can strike up a conversation with anyone and always has an opinion about something. I swear he wore the same 2 outfits for decades as he didnt ask for clothes or shoes just a few tools if something was broken and a hot dog on a piece of bread. Because of my legs I had to buy special shoes which cost a small fortune and I could only afford once a year, so he would work extra hours so I could have those shoes. This type of life made spending time with him hard, but when we did I always cherished it.
My 1st baseball game was with him Reds vs Giants as we stood in line my father walked up to the front of the line got a policeman and asked if I could move to the front of the line as it was my first game and my legs were acting up. The officer and crowd obliged him. I began to believe he was magical. We went down by the first base side to get autographs and there was the "Cobra" Dave Parker signing autographs. We got there as Mr Parker began to walk away. I then hear "Mr Parker!! Mr Parker!! wont you sign an autograph for a handicapped child?!?? As I began to feel the pain of embarassment surrounding me I hear, Hey kid got something for me to sign, your dad really loves you. I responded with the answer of MRRRPHLJ. My dad is something else :-) We spent the rest of the day at a dinner and began the drive home, I fell asleep my dad with his arm around me...."Abilene....Abilene.....(I really should ask him about that).
When I graduated high school, I was accepted to college and I began the process of preparing to leave. It was down in eastern Kentucky and dad was to drive me down there. We drove down in a 1984 Renault which got .08 miles to the gallon, and any speed beyond 55 mph the car would shake. We were passed by every car for over 100 miles by the time we got to Berea, I was sure the car was to explode. But we got there and dad and I carried my few boxes in. As we finished up, he turned to me with tears in his eyes "I have never been more proud of you" he kissed me on the head and drove that little blue car back home. He could have purchased a more reliable car but he wanted to make sure we could have a roof over our head and I could have a little spending money for school.
All these memories flood back to me as I ran to his room this morning just wanting a moment more to see him before they wheeled him in. This man who to me is larger than life, who should be talked about instead of fame seeking reality show wives or sports figures. Loving his family for 40+ years, giving till he could give no more laying on that bed looking helpless, fragile and scared. Dont worry bout me son, I'll be fine Ill be fine I'll be fine. I dont want to be at this point at my life regardless of what I believe, I want him to be young again watching westerns with me, singing songs with one verse, working on project that never get finished. I dont want to see my mother look so fragile and lost without him on the verge of passing out. I want her to live on singing elvis records to me, getting frustrated at dad and throwing pillows at him. I dont get to change the past I have to cherish now.
So Erin and I went into to see him after the surgery and we had just a few moments. I held his hand and stroked his hair as he lay there asleep. I told him how much I loved him and joked that he will get the snow blower he wants this Christmas and I notice the nurse taping a "Happy Veterans Day" sign to his door. I thanked her for the gesture and began to walk out, but dad in case you didnt hear me I sang you a song....."Abilene Abilene....prettiest town I ever seen"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1b2M8u90yQ
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"Elephant Shoe"
We met through her brother who let me know that she needed help with College Algebra. I was tutoring kids at a private school after leaving college and finding myself with no direction in my life. My best friend had died a couple years earlier, and as of yet I did not drive. My mother would take me to the school and pick me up at then end of the day. I was drifting and lost and feeling sorry for myself. She and I happened to go to the same church so I approached her one day.
So I hear you need some math help?
Um...yeah..you see...I ....well its just that
You need math help?
Yeah um sure can you...help me
I was unaware at the time but this was secret code for (I really like this guy, or hubba hubba)
I rode home with her after church and started to help her. I stayed in the kitchen, as it was nearest to the door just in case her 6 foot 10 brother or 6 foot 6 brother would come after me. I would have time to make it down the 24 steps leading to the driveway and maybe i could flag down a car.
After a period of time in which I very slowly discovered she liked me (my mother had to tell me) I began to pray. My relationships were all of 3 at that point each ending within a month or so as being loving sweet and kind were frowned upon in general in favor for rough and mysterious (think "Cool Rider" in Grease 2...if anyone other than me watched that). Although to be fair I believe I like every girl in high school at one point or another. I was older and at this point I wanted something meaningful something that would last. I had no idea how wonderful it would become.
We began to date and out 1st date was to catch a play at NKU called "Hotel Baltimore" bad choice for a 1st date. We held hands and soon went to the Baptist Student Union where it was asked if I had the Jesus "thing" (Is this a medical problem?). It was nice to get out and be together, learning about those things that she found funny, which was everything at the time I mean I was a comic genius in her eyes (which has been replaced with stares and the nodding of the head). She would write me notes and give them to her brother to give me, which may have helped him to begin to resent me. Her father began to let her know that I wasn't a man because i didn't work in the field and didn't drive. These are man's hands he would show her and after much badgering she broke up with me....
For about 6 hours...
"I don't care what he says I love you" (these words may come back to haunt us in 15-16 years Serena, Katrina Payten don't read this blog)
So we dated, and after 2 years (Which in Kardasian years is 137 give or take) I asked her to marry me and thankfully she said yes.
We've had many adventures Erin & I, she is my biggest supporter and critic. Through her love and support I finally learned to drive, found a steady job, graduated college and became a foster and adoptive parent. She is amazing and she is still learning and trying to find sweet ways to put her love in action. We hope to build/buy a home in the next couple of years to where we can watch our family grow as our home is too small for the love we have. For her love is more than a word, its an action. No reason for this blog other than to say I love you or "elephant shoe" as we used to say.
So I hear you need some math help?
Um...yeah..you see...I ....well its just that
You need math help?
Yeah um sure can you...help me
I was unaware at the time but this was secret code for (I really like this guy, or hubba hubba)
I rode home with her after church and started to help her. I stayed in the kitchen, as it was nearest to the door just in case her 6 foot 10 brother or 6 foot 6 brother would come after me. I would have time to make it down the 24 steps leading to the driveway and maybe i could flag down a car.
After a period of time in which I very slowly discovered she liked me (my mother had to tell me) I began to pray. My relationships were all of 3 at that point each ending within a month or so as being loving sweet and kind were frowned upon in general in favor for rough and mysterious (think "Cool Rider" in Grease 2...if anyone other than me watched that). Although to be fair I believe I like every girl in high school at one point or another. I was older and at this point I wanted something meaningful something that would last. I had no idea how wonderful it would become.
We began to date and out 1st date was to catch a play at NKU called "Hotel Baltimore" bad choice for a 1st date. We held hands and soon went to the Baptist Student Union where it was asked if I had the Jesus "thing" (Is this a medical problem?). It was nice to get out and be together, learning about those things that she found funny, which was everything at the time I mean I was a comic genius in her eyes (which has been replaced with stares and the nodding of the head). She would write me notes and give them to her brother to give me, which may have helped him to begin to resent me. Her father began to let her know that I wasn't a man because i didn't work in the field and didn't drive. These are man's hands he would show her and after much badgering she broke up with me....
For about 6 hours...
"I don't care what he says I love you" (these words may come back to haunt us in 15-16 years Serena, Katrina Payten don't read this blog)
So we dated, and after 2 years (Which in Kardasian years is 137 give or take) I asked her to marry me and thankfully she said yes.
We've had many adventures Erin & I, she is my biggest supporter and critic. Through her love and support I finally learned to drive, found a steady job, graduated college and became a foster and adoptive parent. She is amazing and she is still learning and trying to find sweet ways to put her love in action. We hope to build/buy a home in the next couple of years to where we can watch our family grow as our home is too small for the love we have. For her love is more than a word, its an action. No reason for this blog other than to say I love you or "elephant shoe" as we used to say.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Cuddles
Mommy and I had not been foster parents long when we received the call that you were just born and needed a family to watch over you. At this moment in time our experience with children was limited to my nieces who went home after the weekend was up. We drove to the hospital our hearts filled with nervousness, confusion, excitement. There you were wrapped in the tiniest blanket, with a tiny card that said "Girl Russell" I mean who names a girl russell?
After mommy explained the way names worked, the nurse asked if we wanted to hold you. Can't I just push her around, I mean I will drop this baby or try to feed her a hamburger or something. All training I had a that moment went south. She was born with cocaine in her system and she looked so tiny so fragile is the Cabinet sure its ok if I take the baby home? Few minutes your older sister arrived crying and that made 2 heading home. My first night was laying near you while you were in the bassinet thinking. Can we do this, I mean really.
As you grew all I wanted was to see you smile, and boy did you do that. You would come home from your visits with your birth family and the moment our eyes met you moved up and down and couldn't wait for me to hold you. Maybe we can do this after all I pondered as you played on the floor and your big sissy wanted to hold you. You would tremble so much at night I learned later in part due to the withdrawals. How would someone...wait blaming doesn't help I need to get back to feeding you.
Erin and I would take turns as you cried at night, I recall a few times missing the bed after i laid down falling in the floor, one time even destroying a trash can in the process (I do this alot as you will learn). Then we learned you had problems with your ears, then your heart all the while learning diaper changing (sorry bout the first 100 or so) and feeding. You would just smile.
When we found many months later you were going home, so much had changed you had a new sister who we were close to adopting and she found you to be interesting and loved to hug you. Your older sister's hair grew curlier and curlier and she loved to help feed you. But here we were hearts about to break at the thought of the two of you going home to your birth parents. We did all we could do, figuring we would never see you again. Then the phone rang.....and everything changed.
You ask me to lay down with you just about every night, you love makeup and princesses and now want me to find "princessdressup.com" You get a little rowdy you like to scream at random points but you are amazing. You went from little quiet cuddles to a big 6 year old. I wrote a poem for you
Katrina with your eyes of blue
piercing through my heart
All doubts and fears that I have
when holding you fall apart
Katrina you always make me smile
I cannot believe you are mine
as the years pass and days role on
I will love you for all time
You dance with me now and call me your prince, I know that some day long long long long long long long long down the road you will find a new prince. We rejoice at the honor of being parents and getting to love and take care of you. I cant wait to see whats next with you. I love you cuddles.
Love Daddy
After mommy explained the way names worked, the nurse asked if we wanted to hold you. Can't I just push her around, I mean I will drop this baby or try to feed her a hamburger or something. All training I had a that moment went south. She was born with cocaine in her system and she looked so tiny so fragile is the Cabinet sure its ok if I take the baby home? Few minutes your older sister arrived crying and that made 2 heading home. My first night was laying near you while you were in the bassinet thinking. Can we do this, I mean really.
As you grew all I wanted was to see you smile, and boy did you do that. You would come home from your visits with your birth family and the moment our eyes met you moved up and down and couldn't wait for me to hold you. Maybe we can do this after all I pondered as you played on the floor and your big sissy wanted to hold you. You would tremble so much at night I learned later in part due to the withdrawals. How would someone...wait blaming doesn't help I need to get back to feeding you.
Erin and I would take turns as you cried at night, I recall a few times missing the bed after i laid down falling in the floor, one time even destroying a trash can in the process (I do this alot as you will learn). Then we learned you had problems with your ears, then your heart all the while learning diaper changing (sorry bout the first 100 or so) and feeding. You would just smile.
When we found many months later you were going home, so much had changed you had a new sister who we were close to adopting and she found you to be interesting and loved to hug you. Your older sister's hair grew curlier and curlier and she loved to help feed you. But here we were hearts about to break at the thought of the two of you going home to your birth parents. We did all we could do, figuring we would never see you again. Then the phone rang.....and everything changed.
You ask me to lay down with you just about every night, you love makeup and princesses and now want me to find "princessdressup.com" You get a little rowdy you like to scream at random points but you are amazing. You went from little quiet cuddles to a big 6 year old. I wrote a poem for you
Katrina with your eyes of blue
piercing through my heart
All doubts and fears that I have
when holding you fall apart
Katrina you always make me smile
I cannot believe you are mine
as the years pass and days role on
I will love you for all time
You dance with me now and call me your prince, I know that some day long long long long long long long long down the road you will find a new prince. We rejoice at the honor of being parents and getting to love and take care of you. I cant wait to see whats next with you. I love you cuddles.
Love Daddy
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