Two Years

I don't have screens in my front windows, victims of cats and kids long ago.  Dad's last project with me was to re-screen them and I have never been able to get them back in the windows.  The frames are weak and the the little plastic tubing just doesn't hold in the seams.  I just cant seem to throw them away.

My kids are asleep upstairs in a "cool kids club" they made with blankets.  I asked for a membership card and they said I was too old.  Erin watches re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter, I give up trying to understand why.

Yet I can't stop thinking about it

Dad will have been gone two years tomorrow, and I feel like that screen managing to fit in the frame but struggling at the seams.  My siblings deal with the day to day each with their own struggles, changes since he's been gone.  Mom has good days and bad, overall the communication between all of us could be better.

I want to record the kids memories of dad, there may not be much there, going to do it anyway  Connor tells me stories of hot dogs and how papaw loved nascar and guns. The kids wrote letters and drew pictures, I spend time with Collin telling him stories of Dad    I pray with my kids and as I pour my heart out, I sometimes fall asleep slumped on the floor.  Did dad do this?  Am i like him?  Have I let him down?  

It has been a slow go all this healing business.

The frames are bent, the seams are weak but they are still screens.

Dad I miss you, we miss you. Lord grant me the strength to deal with the day to day

Simple Things

Mornings are roughest.  I find myself awake at least 2 or 3 times a night now, laying on the floor some nights trying to stretch out my legs and feet.  The spasms come on almost instantly, capturing me and holding me hostage till they subside.  Closest thing I can think of to it would be a long term brain freeze in the legs.  You try to move your head in such a way to find some relief and all that seems to do is make the situation worse.  Thoughts are put on hold and rest is cancelled.  When relief comes I find myself in a corner, or in the floor staying still till it is safe to move again.

He comes over to hug me

Daddy what are you doing here?  He pats me on the head and hugs me.

I am watching out for ninjas!

Daddy you locked the door they cant get in, are your legs hurting you.  I will watch you.

There he sits till he falls asleep in my lap.

I daydream about they will become, what they will face, and if I will be there.  Can I get a deal on bride's dresses?

Daddy, lets go back to bed, I'll help you.  He tugs at me and i put all my effort into getting up quickly so it looks like he is strong.

Wow daddy I have super strength, can I drive now?

I laugh, and realize I've moved around too much and the spasms have started again.  I muffled a quick when you are 16, and try to get back to sleep.  Collin tries to wake up mommy and says I can drive at 8:16!!! 8:16!!

Shhh son its 4am

Oh daddy that is way too early to drive.

Be a Lifeline

I have stage 4 cancer

My husband is sick and cant work

We were in a car accident

My best friend died yesterday

All our furniture is lost

We sleep in the woods

Do you have a mattress?  I have slept in the floor for a long time

I just want to be able to shower

Will you pray for me?

Theses are some of the things I hear at Lifeline of Northern Kentucky from the people who come in.  Lifeline is a non-denominational, non-judgemental, non-confrontational, compassionate, loving, kind, different ministry that seeks to serve the tri-state by providing food, clothing, furniture basically trying to meet any needs at no cost.

I get that I have friends of many beliefs and non-belief.  Would it be too forward of me to ask, as your friend to consider volunteering here or anywhere?  My home is filled with material things, my fridge is filled with left-overs.  My children throw away non-eaten pop tarts.  I want to do more, help more show love and compassion more.

Hehe so much I want to say, break our hearts to show, act, give love to others, not the just the "I'm prayin for ya"

Make a donation, Volunteer, Pray, put your love into action.  Be different

http://lifelineofnky.org/

http://www.redcross.org/index.jsp

http://www.unitedway.org/

Husband, Father, Soldier, Friend

4am would come too early for him.  Mom would have his coffee ready and for a long time his cigarettes.  I'm not sure he even ate most mornings.  He would go warm up the truck and come back in one last time to kiss mom and to tell us he loved us.  We slept through most of them, and if we were fortunate we would be just awake enough to see him put the cover us up and kiss us on the head, then he was gone.

6:30 is to early to get up I tell myself, Erin is usually first up taking a shower.  I can hear Collin up already talking about cars or the cat.  He is wide awake, where does this energy come from??  I begin to call the kids to wake up and Katrina wants to be held.  My body aches but I take the hug and it knocks me back up against the couch.  Here comes Payten, "Daaaaaaaaaaad Collin is touching the cat."  She is the cat police.

Dad would come home sometimes by the time we got home, but usually later.  He found some odd job after work to make a few extra dollars, to help with bills or just to have a few extra dollars to get a snack at work, or in later years be able to play golf with his friends.  He wouldn't buy a club he would take ones that his buddies were going to throw away.  They were defective in some way to the owner, but my dad would take them as a treasure doing what he could to repair them.  He was so handy.

I struggle to get Payten's hair brushed, Collin fed and Serena is done helping.  Connor is bringing up the clothes, and Payten asks me what is Veterans Day?  I have these moments where I want to give this long speech about something to teach the kids something, but usually the shorter answer is the best.  To say thank you for serving our country, I say.  Hmm, Payten replies when do they get to stop serving daddy?

Around this time two years ago, my dad was in a hospital bed he had blockages in his heart that required surgery, the hospital had little signs they were putting on the doors that said happy veterans day.  Dad was proud of serving, his stories of being in the marines was something as a child I didn't quite get, and as I got older appreciated most of the time.  Now I would give anything to hear them again.  Tell me dad how you met Chad Everett, or how you met John Wayne.  Just one more time.

I thought long about the question, and answered "I don't think they ever stop, Payten."  Veterans serve their country their family and their friends.  Veterans put themselves last when they deserve so much more. Pa-paw served Uncle Donny served, Grandpa served, others served, to protect you.

It was a windy day at the cemetery the day they laid my dad to rest,  Amazing grace played on the loud speaker, the 21 gun salute was given.  Stephen Lee Bridgers 1944-2011 a devoted husband, loving father, a hero to us, even if I didn't say it enough appreciate it enough.  Day in and day out he had a heart of service, honoring his country and loving his family.

Tonight, I will go home, to hugs and kisses.  I will listen to my childrens stories and then I will put them to bed, I will cover them up and pray over each of them.  Thank you for those who served who will serve and who died so my family can live.  Dad...I love you

All I want to do is hug you

He hugs me more than my girls and son.  He hugs you as you are walking down the hallway, brushing your teeth or putting on your shoes.  He loves to talk about basketball, but yells COME ON REDS when they are losing. 


He loves to do what he calls the cha cha cha which is him dancing in place either shuffling his feet or doing a hula motion.  He wants me every night to pray with him, tries to rub me knees when they hurt.

My earliest memory of Connor was when he was born, I was surprised when my sister said she was going to have a baby, it is a bit surreal when you see those you love now no longer kids but mothers.  Seemed like a new beginning, one filled with promise, I was never more happy for my sister.  He would visit us on the weekends but he always wanted to be with his mom.  Soon after we became parents and I didn't see him as much.

Sometimes at night I come back in his room and cover him back up, the boy likes to fidget in his bed.  I kiss him goodnight and thank the Lord for Connor.  Life's twists and turns have us in custody of him, it wasn't what I expected.  Another night praying for another day of peace for him, hoping that someday my sister will make better choices and they will get back together.  The prayers seem repetitive but we keep praying.  I love my mom, I hope she gets better uncle Kev.  I hold back emotion and just hug him tighter.  Uncle Kev you are a strong lumberjack he says, which gets me to laugh and we sing silly songs and he drifts off to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to deal with all of this, and there he comes around the corner with a coke in hand saying "I just want to love you, here is a coke Uncle Kev ." I am thankful for Connor, he is loving, kind and smart. Your general finding skills are damaged, however you are a excellent gamer hehe.   I just want there to be peace, I love him dearly.  Happy Birthday Connor, Erin and I love you.  You are smart and funny and helpful and kind.  You are like a big brother to Collin and I am thankful for you.  Through all of my failings and inconsistencies Connor shows nothing but love.  I pray for the restoration of his family and that I be consistent.  Julie, he loves you and we love you too.

Happy birthday my love

Her curly hair was the first thing I noticed.  All of these little springs bouncing up and down, I mean how does hair do that?  I am all about buzzed hair the curls had me entranced.  The next thing I noticed was the rainbow outfit, top and pants.  Your sister was in the nursery and I think I thought once the social worker saw us she would turn right around and take you home because mommy and me were not ready.

The worker came, said a few words and that she would meet us next week.  I thought she would come home with us, maybe even stay a few hours.  All the months of training I was forgetting, my attention diverted by a 4 day old girl and you.  Your tears began to wrap themselves around my heart, and all I wanted to do was make faces at you hoping to crack a smile.  Instead, you cried louder and only let mommy hold you.  I carried your sister out to the van and for the first time put you in your car seat.  You cried all the way to our house, and I was trying to remember how many steps to the upstairs, so when I carried you in I wouldn't trip.  We walked in, and you saw a dog for the first time, and SCREEEEEEEAMED.

I laid in the bed with you and began to pat your back, I tried to remember some kids songs and I think muddled through Twinkle Twinkle and the 80's  GI Joe theme song.  I was even doing the patting wrong as you moved my hand to your diaper and started patting.  There are 2 kids in our house....no 9mths, no baby shower, just here and now.

Last night you wanted me to lay with you and Payten, reminding me it had been awhile since Mommy had been sick at least.  Both you and I are bigger and your toddler bed has been replaced by a never comfortable to daddies bunk bed.  We talked about cakes, and shopping, baby dolls and stars.  I watched you drift off to sleep, remembering those early days and amazed I didn't somehow break you or lose you.  You are a treasure, a priceless treasure that continues to take my breath away.  You still hold my hand, you tell me good bye and ask me when I am coming home.  I haven't done it all right, too many nights of video games or raising my voice, but you show me unchanging love.  I watched with amazing as your read your first book, had me pull the car over when you asked me If you could trust Jesus into your heart.  I had some crazy dreams growing up, but now I can't imagine anything better than being your dad.  I love you Serena, thank you for loving and believing in me.


You are the sweetest thing
a father could ever have
four parts love one part mischief
when you ask to hold my hand
As the days go by and you grow up
from child to teen to woman
I will try to keep up
while helping you move forward

While you are still 8

There are some things I want to tell you while you are still eight

Show compassion

Love others

Play outside

Smile

Use your imagination

Stuffed animals and baby dolls are always allowed in bed

Draw a picture, daddy will take them all

Please don't stop holding my hard, in fact hold it longer

Make a lemonade stand

Write a song, then sing the song.  Try to sing it backwards

Cartwheels are fun!

Feel the grass between your toes, put your feet in a creek and feel the rocks

Love your friends even when they hurt you

Love your Mommy and Daddy

Stop and feel the wind hit your face

Roll down a hill

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Ride a bike

Swim

Remember that we will ALWAYS love you and are proud of you.

Feel free to repeat these things when you turn 9