Soon to be 40

Well as 40 approaches next week, I am thankful for being alive,  I am thankful for smiles and hugs from old friends.  I am thankful for laughter, especially from kids.

I am thankful for a roof over my head and my kids and wife asleep as I type.

I miss friends, we are too busy with life that it passes so quickly trying to keep up makes me tired.  i didn't get here without the love of others past present and future.

I got to hear the words I love you daddy, play with me daddy, tell me a story daddy, who is Jesus daddy?

I got to say I do, and I love you.

I had to say goodbye, too soon

My dreams went from president, actor, comedian, radio personality. to daddy, husband, father, and good friend.

I am still learning, I am still willing to learn.

I miss relationships, jokes and friends.

I am learning to slow down and listen, to be patient i don't always need the last word.

I want to help others as long as I draw a breath, teach my children to love others and forgive, lessons we learn side by side :-)

I always want to laugh, joke and look at every situation as an opportunity to love others.

My faith is part of who i am i want to be braver enough to express it and not be afraid that someone will not agree with me.

I want my body to last longer, so i can walk three girls down the aisle all at the same time, to save money of course.

I want my wife to see herself as I see her, beautiful.

I want family to get along while we still have family, a father-in law who would just talk to me would be  start.

I am thankful for so many of you, you just don't know how much I appreciate your part in the tapestry of my life.

Erin, thank you for loving me, I should always end with that.

Still miss the After Shave

I never was a hunter like you

You loved me anyway

Fixing things not my strength

You loved me anyway

I didnt always agree with you

You loved me anyway

Dad, you dont care about me!!!

You loved me anyway

Hey dad, would you be my best man?

You loved me everyday

Dad!  I am a dad!  arent you proud!

You loved me everyday

Dad please get better I need you!

You loved me everyday

Dad, see you soon we miss you

I love you everyday

Space Toilet

Hello there!  Up a little early today, my legs are barking and I cant really get back to sleep when this happens so here we are.

This is the Summer of VBS or Vacation Bible School in case you were thinking of Very Big Sausages.  I think we are on number 4 or maybe 5 with the kids.  I enjoy the stories and smiles my kids come back with and the endless stream of crafts.  At the closing ceremony on Monday, all of my kids occupied a row with their cousins.  I watched as they twirled and smiled and looked back at me.  Collin seemed more interested in assaulting Katrina, and my nephew Christian enjoyed when the worker held him.  Summer is also the time when I view online photos of other peoples adventures.  Whether it is people outdoors grilling, traveling or crafting, I get jealous.

JEALOUS!!???  How dare you?!!!

I am almost convinced that my greatest enemy is not my aches and pains but time.

I sat in that back row and looked at each of my children, growing looking different in a variety of ways already than last year when we went to Disney World.  My girls are more interested in videos about songs than drawing a picture.  They are more interested in people who visit then giving me a hug goodbye for work.  The children who were at the top of the steps cheering for me as i were a conquering hero throw clothes down now so I can throw them in the laundry room.  Time...it marches on.

By no means do I feel I am not blessed,  as crazy as the last 8 years or so has been it has been so worth it.  Would I change anything?  More pictures of them as babies, maybe some of those really fancy ones where everyone is standing on the beach wearing matching clothes, or with my shirt off cradling each child in my arms as the sun hits us just right, horses galloping behind us.  Yeah we are also on a beach in New Zealand  Also fireworks....wait er nevermind, collin would find the fireworks.

I am by no means perfect, my parenting skills are a hodge podge of ideas and notions and advice I have accumulated.  I pray, try to pay attention.  Erin worries that my head will be in the sad (hehe I like that better then sand) once the girls start talking about boys or the period that does not come at the end of this sentence.  Time still marching on

Then katrina asked me to lay with her, and off to the bunk bed I went.  Fun fact, bunk beds are no longer comfortable, I may have some internal bleeding.  I rubbed her hair kissed her and prayed with her then fell asleep.  Time only seems to slightly slow the few moments after a great tragedy so you can attempt to get your bearings, but those moments before i drifted off I was reminded of the first day I saw my girls.

So what is the answer?  Still looking and will be revising as I go but for now

Love them
Listen to them
Help them
Encourage Them
Teach them

and stop looking at other peoples lives and live my own best I can.

Happy Mothers Day

You laid in the hospital bed 3 months early, I was about to born premature.  My condition was so dire.  You weren't married too long to dad and was already raising one son.  Here I come into this world broken and you carried me.


You visited the school whenever you got wind someone was being cruel to me.  The problem was by the time you reached the school your righteous anger was such you would forget who you were up there to yell yet.  The librarian never saw it coming.


You told me over and over again, Erin liked me.  I didn't believe you.  Kevin I talked to her for hours.  Still didn't why would anyone like me?  So many hours in your lap crying as to why I couldn't find a girlfriend.  Hours later finding you on your knees praying for me.  14 years, 5 kids later here we are.

It was just the other day when I heard the sound coming from the kitchen.  The vase knocked over you gave Erin.  At first there was the shock, my vase my vase.  I didn't know Dad got it for you and discovered labeled on one of the broken pieces it was 123 years old.  Connor was sobbing so sad he had broken it,  but there you were turning around to him saying.  It is just a thing you are so much more, then a kiss.  I am so thankful you are here.





I stood next to you outside of church, after hearing you needed math tutoring from your brother.  You stammered and blushed and we agreed I would tutor you after church.  Tutoring didn't go far :-)

I remember our first date, sitting go go eyed in the Alexandria Wal-Mart not eating.  We got up to leave and there was toilet paper stuck to your shoe.  I intercepted it.  Then tripped, knocking you out the door.

You were so beautiful that day.  I don't remember being very nervous just amazed that we were about to be married.  What adventures we would have and how blessed I was to have you.  You on the other hand looked like you were about to pass out.  I kept muttering I love you under my breath, even as your dad was stone faced.  There was still a chance he might pound me until he gave you away after all.

You spoke in another language the day we got our first placement, second and third.  It was a different path then most take.  No baby showers, planned meals, 9 months to prepare.  People confused as to why we couldn't have "real children."  You took it all in stride, and I took it all in, while looking fried.  Without you, there would be no family, keeping it all together.  Even now as I type this one child in our bed, four upstairs and your mom in the hospital.  You are glue my dearest love.


I can't say I pray for you every day, life is filled with adventures and I can be forgetful.  He made a card for you today.  I do my best to let him know you love him and he is growing up to be an outstanding boy.  He is the first to wake up in the morning for school and the first to go to bed when asked.  He does struggle with a bit of forgetfulness and loves to hug me.  He is excellent at taking out the trash and enjoys basketball.  I am doing the best I can to raise him. He loves you.   I love him dearly, and yes I love you.  Please find the help you need Julie, I can't make you.  He is worth it.


Cherish your moms, love them for as long as you are able on this earth.  They are the guardians of innocence, the tailor, the cook, the confidant, cheerleader, chauffeur  truly the "better half."  Happy Mothers Day!

 

Hurt

I am praying for you even when you don't believe in who I am praying to.  I love you anyway

I am praying for the strength to be able to deal with physical pain that takes its toll on the day to day

The hurt which distracts me from focusing on the tasks at hand causing me to worry

that robs me of precious time with my children to love and instruct them

that hinders my relationship with my wife who must pick up the slack while she hurts as well

I pray for your life after dad, how you dream of him all the time and sob quietly in the darkness after you wake up and realize he is not beside you.

I pray for your physical struggles, trying to function just enough to get up in the morning just to look out the window, wondering how the bills will get paid.

I pray for the loss of friends, who either don't understand, don't listen or don't care.

I pray for those grieving for friends who have died, seeking answers.

I pray for my family, to be together again for my sister to defeat drugs and alcohol and to be reunited with her son

As silly as it sounds, unless you really know me I wish I could shoulder this hurt for each of you.

However there is someone who already has and will.

Matthew 11:28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest
11:29  Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:  and ye shall find rest unto your souls

1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon him for he cares for you.

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you, my piece I give unto you:  not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.


Be encouraged today, that you do not need to fight the fight alone.  All my love :-)

Let me introduce myself

As the day passes, I learned that it is national cerebral palsy day.  As you you watch me walk and shuffle my feet, you may have wondered what is going on with me?  Was I hit by a car, nuclear missile or ravaged by a baby cougar while skiing the Matterhorn.  Was I attacked by the villainous combo of Michael Ironside and John Saxon leaving me near death at a mysterious dojo?  I like to think I fought groups of invading aliens such as in this clip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFgg3vHw6ms  (Michael Ironside-Aliens-Hero)

I have mostly Spastic Cerebral Palsy which involves spasms, loss of coordination and at least for me a great deal of clumsiness.  Growing up, I was fortunate to deal with minimal teasing, a few pushes and shoves if anything, learning to live with a disability helped me learn to deal with people.  My greatest limitations were within myself.  Family helped strengthen me with love and kindness, and being surrounded by friends gave me the strength to keep on.  My love for Christ helped me when dealing with the Hows and the Whys.   Here are some keys to help you if you are struggling to talk with someone with a disability

1.  It is not contagious!   Putting your hand on my shoulder or shaking my hand does not cause you to spontaneously combust.   Cerebral Palsy is not cooties, you will not fall to ground convulsing on touch

2.  Eye Contact....Eye Contact.....Eye Contact  If your eyes like to wander towards my legs, look at my face and see my smile, or gaze upon my un-massive triceps.  If you look down I will be concerned my shoes are untied, trip, fall into you and then there will be legal issues...or I'll just stay on the ground embarrassed

3.  I am not deaf!   Research by people who walk around everyday says that when you talk to me THE VOICE DOES NOT NEED TO CHANGE AND GROW INTO INTENSITY!!!  Cerebral Palsy is not in my ears!

4.  Empathy is nice, don't over do it.  I likely don't know what you are going through with your bunions, If you want to know about my hurts and pains, ask and I will let you know.

5. Parking is at a premium.   Don't park in a handicapped spot unless you have the placard or plate, I have drove back home because the store door was too far away to get to because somebody parked the A-team van in two spots to go get his cigarettes.  (Don't smoke-extra free advice)

6.  I can be a jerk  I love people and interacting with them, be yourself around me don't feel you need to walk around me with a different mindset for fear of offending me.

7.  Humor and laughter help.  Don't make the pain a prison, laugh with me talk to me not at me :-)

My lunch is ending, but I just wanted to say how blessed I am, and thankful for my Lord, my family, my friends, my church for accepting and loving me.

Barbiology

I woke up this morning to the sound of Erin's voice telling me there was water everywhere.  I attempted to replace the kitchen faucet last night with my children by my side holding flashlights and offering encouragement and Erin lamenting the faucets look (why do people need fancy faucets where your dirty dishes go). I discovered late in the evening there were parts missing so I shut the water off with plans to exchange the faucet in the morning.  I guess i didnt tighten things all the way.  The kids enjoyed the indoor pool as I worked quickly to shop vac the mess, get the kids to school then go to the store to replace the faucet.  In the car I am discussing with the kids the morning and apologizing with yelling at them while I was trying to solve these problems.  Serena says to me "Daddy you cant do everything, you are a great dad though!"  Besides, only Barbie can know that many things, she has a dress for evvvvvvvvverything!

Not going to sweat it

Maybe it is because my legs are feeling well, or I just am in a great mood today, I think I may blog more.  Just some free flowing thoughts and observations in the days ahead.  I am thankful that I can walk, that my kids are helpful and that my wife is loving.  I am thankful for my personality.  I am thankful that my children want me to hold them and kiss them, I see they growing so rapidly, I hope fore healthier days so I can spend them with my kids, and relax with my wife.  I may not to get to see my friends as much as I like but if I have a great need they are there.  Have a lot of irons in the fire that I will share later as they get closer. 

If there is anything I can do to help or pray with you about let me know.  Take the time to cherish something about today.  The time machine is broke, cant fix yesterday focus on today!

Little Girl outside the door

When we first had the kids come into care with us, we would take them to a daycare while we worked during the day.  One day when Erin picked up the kids, the manager came to her and told her during the playtime activities outside the kids were brought in for nap and after about 20 minutes or so the realized Payten was no where to be found.  They searched the bathrooms and closets and finally realized they left her outside.  It was a fenced in area, and she was in a corner crying.  The door was locked and they could not hear her cries to come in.  I would like to say the manager received kind words and understanding, but that would be lying :-)

I love being a parent.  I love the almost daily discoveries my children make the questions that they ask.  I have hopes and dreams for them.  I try to listen to what they say to gain understanding of what is important to them.  I raise my voice, I talk calmly.  I settle disputes, break up fights, and sing with them.  I think about them all the time, the successes and the failures of my parenting. I was working on my 17 part lecture in the car "Lets love each other and love others" and the kids were silent as I spoke.  I looked at Payten and she was looking out the window. Payten is very loving and very emotional and pretty much just says whatever comes to mind.  She has been diagnosed as ADHD, and there have been struggles with that, on our end with being patient, her end with focusing, and unfortunately people on the outside that believe it to be a myth or an escapist way to "drugging our children" to make them behave.  I am not going to spend time on that today, we made the best decision based on prayer and research so if you want to talk about that later we can do that over lunch :-)

So I drop the kids off and they each come to me with hugs and payten goes in carrying the giant gymbag, and Collin says "Wait sissy I will help you"  and he grabs that bag that is almost as heavy as he is and walks into the school with payten following behind.  huzzah!  My children are helping!  My ego began to inflate to the awesomeness of my parenting and I drove to work.

I texted Erin with the events of the day, and she told me a story that happened yesterday, Payten was picked up early for a doctors appointment and Collin was in the car.  As Payten approached he told Erin, "Sissy sure is pretty!"  Payten responded without skipping a beat "Finally!  Somebody thinks I'm pretty!"  My heart sank.  I make every effort to encourage my children every day, telling them I love them, they are beautiful.  Even still that is what she said.  AM I listening to her enough, am I too hard on her?  So many emotions flying through my mind.  Kids can be hard to handle, uplifting and sometimes discouraging, but one thing I picked up on early on, they are more honest in what they face then us adults.  As I learn to march to the beat of Payten's particular drum, I pray for friends to love her and understand her.  I pray for support for our family and especially for Payten for someone to open that door for her, include her, respect her and love her.  Don't let someones differences and disabilities defeat love and friendship

A letter to my son

Dear Son

I love you.

I love when you are asleep at night and I lay next to you, you find me with your little hand and scratch my chin

I love when our eyes meet, like today as you walked out of school and ran to me.  Keep that up

I love our conversations in the car.  "Daddy why do Transformers need butts when they don't poop?"  or "Daddy I want to be magic, Jesus can stay but I want him to let my fly around everywhere"

I love you for your lucky shirt, which you just knew was the reason we got a free Happy Meal today.

I love sitting at the end of your bed watching you sleep, praying for your health and for you to trust Jesus into your heart.

I need you to know a few things

When you came to us, I was scared.  You were sick and even though I dreamed of raising someone with special needs I was afraid I would do something wrong.  You just smiled.  You are a precious treasure to me and your mommy

We need to go outside and play, I am sorry my legs don't cooperate very well, but lets go exploring in the woods.

Lets play more LEGOS and just build whatever with your imagination.

Lets read more books and Ill do the voices of the characters.

I love when we "sing songs" at night, Little Drummer Boy, Twinkle Twinkle, Take me out to the ballgame, and our special one we made up

(to tune of chorus Train Hey, Soul Sister)

Heeeeey hey hey hey hey
You are my son, and I love you
You are my big big boy
You love your sissies (and Connor!) and your mommy
and you love your Daddy too!

Hey little Collin, oh I love that Collin on the radio, in stereo, hey there you go (kisses follow)

You will make friends, lose them, and find them again

You will succeed, You will fail, I will do my best to help you learn how to deal with both.

We will argue and fight, please know I want to teach you and instruct you and help you in this life.

Respect and Help others, work to learn humility

You will fall in love, your heart will break I will be there to listen.

I have failed you and will fail you, please be patient with me.

Love and respect your mommy, she loves you with all her heart.

As you grow and run past me just remember I will carry you for as long as I can, then let you run, and I will always be behind you praying for you.

I am blessed to be your father

Love Daddy

40 Things to do before I am 40

In just 11 days I shall turn 39 years of age.

39....how?!?? but I was just......

When I was younger I made a list of things to do when I grow up.  Number One was become President of the United States, this was influenced by a letter I received from Ronald Reagan with a book titled the White House.  Fast forwarding to 39 I find that job, to be for better men, women, robots than myself.  However I figured for fun and a little motivation to write more bloggery I would begin to compile a list.  This is my list and I will attempt to do some things outside of my comfort zone.

How many things should I do?  What should I do?  Where should I go?  I will stick to 40 things to do and see how that goes.

This is my short list, Ill expand it in a few days.  Just off the top of my head.

Tell each of my children I love them and my wife every day for the year

Take my kids to at least 40 parks or fun places to play this year WITH OR WITHOUT (challenge) my wife

Encourage or listen to someone everyday

Take a personal photo with at least 40 of my friends, individually would probably be smart lol

Attempt to learn to Roller Skate

Attempt to learn to Ride a bike

Attempt to Learn to swim

Tell 40 others about Christ (Just telling you, striking a conversation, hoping God will be glorified through my words)

Read the Whole Bible in a year

Memorize 40 verses

Sing a song in front of folks in a Karaoke place (Do these even exist anymore)

Lose approximately 40lbs (looking at about 160-165) figure I'll go back and forth a little

Read 40 books in a year (I've done 176 in a month, should be a breeze hehe) looking mainly for theology, history, biographies, sci-fi Ill take recommendations

Perform in a community play.

Find our future home (help)

At least that is some of my thoughts, figure it would be fun to try.

Two Years

I don't have screens in my front windows, victims of cats and kids long ago.  Dad's last project with me was to re-screen them and I have never been able to get them back in the windows.  The frames are weak and the the little plastic tubing just doesn't hold in the seams.  I just cant seem to throw them away.

My kids are asleep upstairs in a "cool kids club" they made with blankets.  I asked for a membership card and they said I was too old.  Erin watches re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter, I give up trying to understand why.

Yet I can't stop thinking about it

Dad will have been gone two years tomorrow, and I feel like that screen managing to fit in the frame but struggling at the seams.  My siblings deal with the day to day each with their own struggles, changes since he's been gone.  Mom has good days and bad, overall the communication between all of us could be better.

I want to record the kids memories of dad, there may not be much there, going to do it anyway  Connor tells me stories of hot dogs and how papaw loved nascar and guns. The kids wrote letters and drew pictures, I spend time with Collin telling him stories of Dad    I pray with my kids and as I pour my heart out, I sometimes fall asleep slumped on the floor.  Did dad do this?  Am i like him?  Have I let him down?  

It has been a slow go all this healing business.

The frames are bent, the seams are weak but they are still screens.

Dad I miss you, we miss you. Lord grant me the strength to deal with the day to day

Simple Things

Mornings are roughest.  I find myself awake at least 2 or 3 times a night now, laying on the floor some nights trying to stretch out my legs and feet.  The spasms come on almost instantly, capturing me and holding me hostage till they subside.  Closest thing I can think of to it would be a long term brain freeze in the legs.  You try to move your head in such a way to find some relief and all that seems to do is make the situation worse.  Thoughts are put on hold and rest is cancelled.  When relief comes I find myself in a corner, or in the floor staying still till it is safe to move again.

He comes over to hug me

Daddy what are you doing here?  He pats me on the head and hugs me.

I am watching out for ninjas!

Daddy you locked the door they cant get in, are your legs hurting you.  I will watch you.

There he sits till he falls asleep in my lap.

I daydream about they will become, what they will face, and if I will be there.  Can I get a deal on bride's dresses?

Daddy, lets go back to bed, I'll help you.  He tugs at me and i put all my effort into getting up quickly so it looks like he is strong.

Wow daddy I have super strength, can I drive now?

I laugh, and realize I've moved around too much and the spasms have started again.  I muffled a quick when you are 16, and try to get back to sleep.  Collin tries to wake up mommy and says I can drive at 8:16!!! 8:16!!

Shhh son its 4am

Oh daddy that is way too early to drive.

Be a Lifeline

I have stage 4 cancer

My husband is sick and cant work

We were in a car accident

My best friend died yesterday

All our furniture is lost

We sleep in the woods

Do you have a mattress?  I have slept in the floor for a long time

I just want to be able to shower

Will you pray for me?

Theses are some of the things I hear at Lifeline of Northern Kentucky from the people who come in.  Lifeline is a non-denominational, non-judgemental, non-confrontational, compassionate, loving, kind, different ministry that seeks to serve the tri-state by providing food, clothing, furniture basically trying to meet any needs at no cost.

I get that I have friends of many beliefs and non-belief.  Would it be too forward of me to ask, as your friend to consider volunteering here or anywhere?  My home is filled with material things, my fridge is filled with left-overs.  My children throw away non-eaten pop tarts.  I want to do more, help more show love and compassion more.

Hehe so much I want to say, break our hearts to show, act, give love to others, not the just the "I'm prayin for ya"

Make a donation, Volunteer, Pray, put your love into action.  Be different

http://lifelineofnky.org/

http://www.redcross.org/index.jsp

http://www.unitedway.org/

Husband, Father, Soldier, Friend

4am would come too early for him.  Mom would have his coffee ready and for a long time his cigarettes.  I'm not sure he even ate most mornings.  He would go warm up the truck and come back in one last time to kiss mom and to tell us he loved us.  We slept through most of them, and if we were fortunate we would be just awake enough to see him put the cover us up and kiss us on the head, then he was gone.

6:30 is to early to get up I tell myself, Erin is usually first up taking a shower.  I can hear Collin up already talking about cars or the cat.  He is wide awake, where does this energy come from??  I begin to call the kids to wake up and Katrina wants to be held.  My body aches but I take the hug and it knocks me back up against the couch.  Here comes Payten, "Daaaaaaaaaaad Collin is touching the cat."  She is the cat police.

Dad would come home sometimes by the time we got home, but usually later.  He found some odd job after work to make a few extra dollars, to help with bills or just to have a few extra dollars to get a snack at work, or in later years be able to play golf with his friends.  He wouldn't buy a club he would take ones that his buddies were going to throw away.  They were defective in some way to the owner, but my dad would take them as a treasure doing what he could to repair them.  He was so handy.

I struggle to get Payten's hair brushed, Collin fed and Serena is done helping.  Connor is bringing up the clothes, and Payten asks me what is Veterans Day?  I have these moments where I want to give this long speech about something to teach the kids something, but usually the shorter answer is the best.  To say thank you for serving our country, I say.  Hmm, Payten replies when do they get to stop serving daddy?

Around this time two years ago, my dad was in a hospital bed he had blockages in his heart that required surgery, the hospital had little signs they were putting on the doors that said happy veterans day.  Dad was proud of serving, his stories of being in the marines was something as a child I didn't quite get, and as I got older appreciated most of the time.  Now I would give anything to hear them again.  Tell me dad how you met Chad Everett, or how you met John Wayne.  Just one more time.

I thought long about the question, and answered "I don't think they ever stop, Payten."  Veterans serve their country their family and their friends.  Veterans put themselves last when they deserve so much more. Pa-paw served Uncle Donny served, Grandpa served, others served, to protect you.

It was a windy day at the cemetery the day they laid my dad to rest,  Amazing grace played on the loud speaker, the 21 gun salute was given.  Stephen Lee Bridgers 1944-2011 a devoted husband, loving father, a hero to us, even if I didn't say it enough appreciate it enough.  Day in and day out he had a heart of service, honoring his country and loving his family.

Tonight, I will go home, to hugs and kisses.  I will listen to my childrens stories and then I will put them to bed, I will cover them up and pray over each of them.  Thank you for those who served who will serve and who died so my family can live.  Dad...I love you

All I want to do is hug you

He hugs me more than my girls and son.  He hugs you as you are walking down the hallway, brushing your teeth or putting on your shoes.  He loves to talk about basketball, but yells COME ON REDS when they are losing. 


He loves to do what he calls the cha cha cha which is him dancing in place either shuffling his feet or doing a hula motion.  He wants me every night to pray with him, tries to rub me knees when they hurt.

My earliest memory of Connor was when he was born, I was surprised when my sister said she was going to have a baby, it is a bit surreal when you see those you love now no longer kids but mothers.  Seemed like a new beginning, one filled with promise, I was never more happy for my sister.  He would visit us on the weekends but he always wanted to be with his mom.  Soon after we became parents and I didn't see him as much.

Sometimes at night I come back in his room and cover him back up, the boy likes to fidget in his bed.  I kiss him goodnight and thank the Lord for Connor.  Life's twists and turns have us in custody of him, it wasn't what I expected.  Another night praying for another day of peace for him, hoping that someday my sister will make better choices and they will get back together.  The prayers seem repetitive but we keep praying.  I love my mom, I hope she gets better uncle Kev.  I hold back emotion and just hug him tighter.  Uncle Kev you are a strong lumberjack he says, which gets me to laugh and we sing silly songs and he drifts off to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to deal with all of this, and there he comes around the corner with a coke in hand saying "I just want to love you, here is a coke Uncle Kev ." I am thankful for Connor, he is loving, kind and smart. Your general finding skills are damaged, however you are a excellent gamer hehe.   I just want there to be peace, I love him dearly.  Happy Birthday Connor, Erin and I love you.  You are smart and funny and helpful and kind.  You are like a big brother to Collin and I am thankful for you.  Through all of my failings and inconsistencies Connor shows nothing but love.  I pray for the restoration of his family and that I be consistent.  Julie, he loves you and we love you too.

Happy birthday my love

Her curly hair was the first thing I noticed.  All of these little springs bouncing up and down, I mean how does hair do that?  I am all about buzzed hair the curls had me entranced.  The next thing I noticed was the rainbow outfit, top and pants.  Your sister was in the nursery and I think I thought once the social worker saw us she would turn right around and take you home because mommy and me were not ready.

The worker came, said a few words and that she would meet us next week.  I thought she would come home with us, maybe even stay a few hours.  All the months of training I was forgetting, my attention diverted by a 4 day old girl and you.  Your tears began to wrap themselves around my heart, and all I wanted to do was make faces at you hoping to crack a smile.  Instead, you cried louder and only let mommy hold you.  I carried your sister out to the van and for the first time put you in your car seat.  You cried all the way to our house, and I was trying to remember how many steps to the upstairs, so when I carried you in I wouldn't trip.  We walked in, and you saw a dog for the first time, and SCREEEEEEEAMED.

I laid in the bed with you and began to pat your back, I tried to remember some kids songs and I think muddled through Twinkle Twinkle and the 80's  GI Joe theme song.  I was even doing the patting wrong as you moved my hand to your diaper and started patting.  There are 2 kids in our house....no 9mths, no baby shower, just here and now.

Last night you wanted me to lay with you and Payten, reminding me it had been awhile since Mommy had been sick at least.  Both you and I are bigger and your toddler bed has been replaced by a never comfortable to daddies bunk bed.  We talked about cakes, and shopping, baby dolls and stars.  I watched you drift off to sleep, remembering those early days and amazed I didn't somehow break you or lose you.  You are a treasure, a priceless treasure that continues to take my breath away.  You still hold my hand, you tell me good bye and ask me when I am coming home.  I haven't done it all right, too many nights of video games or raising my voice, but you show me unchanging love.  I watched with amazing as your read your first book, had me pull the car over when you asked me If you could trust Jesus into your heart.  I had some crazy dreams growing up, but now I can't imagine anything better than being your dad.  I love you Serena, thank you for loving and believing in me.


You are the sweetest thing
a father could ever have
four parts love one part mischief
when you ask to hold my hand
As the days go by and you grow up
from child to teen to woman
I will try to keep up
while helping you move forward

While you are still 8

There are some things I want to tell you while you are still eight

Show compassion

Love others

Play outside

Smile

Use your imagination

Stuffed animals and baby dolls are always allowed in bed

Draw a picture, daddy will take them all

Please don't stop holding my hard, in fact hold it longer

Make a lemonade stand

Write a song, then sing the song.  Try to sing it backwards

Cartwheels are fun!

Feel the grass between your toes, put your feet in a creek and feel the rocks

Love your friends even when they hurt you

Love your Mommy and Daddy

Stop and feel the wind hit your face

Roll down a hill

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Ride a bike

Swim

Remember that we will ALWAYS love you and are proud of you.

Feel free to repeat these things when you turn 9

Just a little longer now

These days I sleep upstairs in my nephews bed.  Its not by choice, the simplest movement wakes her up and gives her pain.  I get up to get a glass a water and I hear her crying in pain.  I am helpless, She cant turn to kiss me, and me simply placing my hand on her arm can send pain shooting through her body.  So I lay on the floor, next to my nephew who wants to stay close to her in case she needs help.  She begs me to go upstairs as I have work in the morning.  Sometimes I lie, telling her its 2:00 when its actually 4:00am or that I am really sleeping.  I think of people in the bible who went through so much more than us, or think of friends or acquaintances who deal with more to try to get perspective.  As the muscles spasm in my legs I quietly hum songs to myself, think of those who have helped dealing with thoughts of frustration and anxiety for not knowing what the next day will bring or think of funny things the kids have done recently.  But fun lately seems more like chores and they are kids who want to run jump and play.  I feel guilty, but I know it will get better, it must get better.  She's finally drifted off to some form of sleep and I pop and crack my way upstairs and fall into bed.  It seems its time to get up now as my five-year old son greets me with a sleepy hug and says, "Mommy is OK daddy, I will take care of her.  I distribute medicine, give my nieces instructions for the morning and go downstairs to gently as I can hold my wife's hand.  I am no hero, I am a husband and a father trying to deal with this.  I know I cant go it alone.  Her surgery is soon, and with it the hope this pain will be gone and we can go back to our lives.  I started to walk out the door this morning and as I make it to the car my oldest daughter comes out and hands me a granola bar.  What's this for? I ask.  Daddy mommy is hurt so I have to take care of you.  The littlest things can make the greatest impact.  So for those who pray, thank you, for those who listen thank you for those who cook thank you.  To my children, your love is amazing.  Just a little bit longer now.

I love you-yeah its going to be mushy

13 years ago at about this time I was sitting in a room with some friends and my dad.  My thoughts were of our future, our dreams and hopes, the fact that you and I could be together forever.  I was scared, that I would fail you.  I was not yet able to drive, your father did not seem to like me, and I had just recently began my first full time job.  I pushed those thoughts aside, and discovered my legs were beginning to bother me, Dad said to me, "It will be ok, just stay steady and shift your legs when you are standing there"  I am proud of you son.  Even as I type that tears are welling up in my eyes man dad I sure could use you now.  The music began, and I walked out to what seemed like a sea of people.  Your family alone would have filled the room.  There were old friends, old co-workers all smiling.  I walked up and took my place, our pastor asking me if I needed a chair.  "Stay steady son"  "Stay Steady."


You were beautiful, and looking as though you forgot to breathe.  I just kept saying, I love you.  Who knew you would become even more beautiful  Our love has grown beyond just words.  You loved me when you took me to work when I didn't drive.  You loved me  when you encouraged me to get my license, go back to school, write a book.  Our love grew even more when we all we could do was cry when we thought there would be no children.  Why don't we go to this informational meeting about foster care?  Uh sure.  3 girls 2 boys later here we are.  When our son was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia, you studied and asked questions, days and nights spent at the foot of his hospital bed making sure he was never alone. Or when Katrina needed heart surgery, there you were in bed with her playing with a stethoscope.  Payten trying to deal with ADHD and feeling so sad you were there to encourage and strengthen her.  All of this then Connor comes to stay and you take him with open arms, watching over and loving him.  I know you are discouraged dealing with the pain but in this sea of trials, here we are still standing, still laughing, still loving. Stay steady my love we will get through this.  Happy Anniversary my love.