All I want to do is hug you

He hugs me more than my girls and son.  He hugs you as you are walking down the hallway, brushing your teeth or putting on your shoes.  He loves to talk about basketball, but yells COME ON REDS when they are losing. 


He loves to do what he calls the cha cha cha which is him dancing in place either shuffling his feet or doing a hula motion.  He wants me every night to pray with him, tries to rub me knees when they hurt.

My earliest memory of Connor was when he was born, I was surprised when my sister said she was going to have a baby, it is a bit surreal when you see those you love now no longer kids but mothers.  Seemed like a new beginning, one filled with promise, I was never more happy for my sister.  He would visit us on the weekends but he always wanted to be with his mom.  Soon after we became parents and I didn't see him as much.

Sometimes at night I come back in his room and cover him back up, the boy likes to fidget in his bed.  I kiss him goodnight and thank the Lord for Connor.  Life's twists and turns have us in custody of him, it wasn't what I expected.  Another night praying for another day of peace for him, hoping that someday my sister will make better choices and they will get back together.  The prayers seem repetitive but we keep praying.  I love my mom, I hope she gets better uncle Kev.  I hold back emotion and just hug him tighter.  Uncle Kev you are a strong lumberjack he says, which gets me to laugh and we sing silly songs and he drifts off to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to deal with all of this, and there he comes around the corner with a coke in hand saying "I just want to love you, here is a coke Uncle Kev ." I am thankful for Connor, he is loving, kind and smart. Your general finding skills are damaged, however you are a excellent gamer hehe.   I just want there to be peace, I love him dearly.  Happy Birthday Connor, Erin and I love you.  You are smart and funny and helpful and kind.  You are like a big brother to Collin and I am thankful for you.  Through all of my failings and inconsistencies Connor shows nothing but love.  I pray for the restoration of his family and that I be consistent.  Julie, he loves you and we love you too.

Happy birthday my love

Her curly hair was the first thing I noticed.  All of these little springs bouncing up and down, I mean how does hair do that?  I am all about buzzed hair the curls had me entranced.  The next thing I noticed was the rainbow outfit, top and pants.  Your sister was in the nursery and I think I thought once the social worker saw us she would turn right around and take you home because mommy and me were not ready.

The worker came, said a few words and that she would meet us next week.  I thought she would come home with us, maybe even stay a few hours.  All the months of training I was forgetting, my attention diverted by a 4 day old girl and you.  Your tears began to wrap themselves around my heart, and all I wanted to do was make faces at you hoping to crack a smile.  Instead, you cried louder and only let mommy hold you.  I carried your sister out to the van and for the first time put you in your car seat.  You cried all the way to our house, and I was trying to remember how many steps to the upstairs, so when I carried you in I wouldn't trip.  We walked in, and you saw a dog for the first time, and SCREEEEEEEAMED.

I laid in the bed with you and began to pat your back, I tried to remember some kids songs and I think muddled through Twinkle Twinkle and the 80's  GI Joe theme song.  I was even doing the patting wrong as you moved my hand to your diaper and started patting.  There are 2 kids in our house....no 9mths, no baby shower, just here and now.

Last night you wanted me to lay with you and Payten, reminding me it had been awhile since Mommy had been sick at least.  Both you and I are bigger and your toddler bed has been replaced by a never comfortable to daddies bunk bed.  We talked about cakes, and shopping, baby dolls and stars.  I watched you drift off to sleep, remembering those early days and amazed I didn't somehow break you or lose you.  You are a treasure, a priceless treasure that continues to take my breath away.  You still hold my hand, you tell me good bye and ask me when I am coming home.  I haven't done it all right, too many nights of video games or raising my voice, but you show me unchanging love.  I watched with amazing as your read your first book, had me pull the car over when you asked me If you could trust Jesus into your heart.  I had some crazy dreams growing up, but now I can't imagine anything better than being your dad.  I love you Serena, thank you for loving and believing in me.


You are the sweetest thing
a father could ever have
four parts love one part mischief
when you ask to hold my hand
As the days go by and you grow up
from child to teen to woman
I will try to keep up
while helping you move forward

While you are still 8

There are some things I want to tell you while you are still eight

Show compassion

Love others

Play outside

Smile

Use your imagination

Stuffed animals and baby dolls are always allowed in bed

Draw a picture, daddy will take them all

Please don't stop holding my hard, in fact hold it longer

Make a lemonade stand

Write a song, then sing the song.  Try to sing it backwards

Cartwheels are fun!

Feel the grass between your toes, put your feet in a creek and feel the rocks

Love your friends even when they hurt you

Love your Mommy and Daddy

Stop and feel the wind hit your face

Roll down a hill

Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Ride a bike

Swim

Remember that we will ALWAYS love you and are proud of you.

Feel free to repeat these things when you turn 9

Just a little longer now

These days I sleep upstairs in my nephews bed.  Its not by choice, the simplest movement wakes her up and gives her pain.  I get up to get a glass a water and I hear her crying in pain.  I am helpless, She cant turn to kiss me, and me simply placing my hand on her arm can send pain shooting through her body.  So I lay on the floor, next to my nephew who wants to stay close to her in case she needs help.  She begs me to go upstairs as I have work in the morning.  Sometimes I lie, telling her its 2:00 when its actually 4:00am or that I am really sleeping.  I think of people in the bible who went through so much more than us, or think of friends or acquaintances who deal with more to try to get perspective.  As the muscles spasm in my legs I quietly hum songs to myself, think of those who have helped dealing with thoughts of frustration and anxiety for not knowing what the next day will bring or think of funny things the kids have done recently.  But fun lately seems more like chores and they are kids who want to run jump and play.  I feel guilty, but I know it will get better, it must get better.  She's finally drifted off to some form of sleep and I pop and crack my way upstairs and fall into bed.  It seems its time to get up now as my five-year old son greets me with a sleepy hug and says, "Mommy is OK daddy, I will take care of her.  I distribute medicine, give my nieces instructions for the morning and go downstairs to gently as I can hold my wife's hand.  I am no hero, I am a husband and a father trying to deal with this.  I know I cant go it alone.  Her surgery is soon, and with it the hope this pain will be gone and we can go back to our lives.  I started to walk out the door this morning and as I make it to the car my oldest daughter comes out and hands me a granola bar.  What's this for? I ask.  Daddy mommy is hurt so I have to take care of you.  The littlest things can make the greatest impact.  So for those who pray, thank you, for those who listen thank you for those who cook thank you.  To my children, your love is amazing.  Just a little bit longer now.

I love you-yeah its going to be mushy

13 years ago at about this time I was sitting in a room with some friends and my dad.  My thoughts were of our future, our dreams and hopes, the fact that you and I could be together forever.  I was scared, that I would fail you.  I was not yet able to drive, your father did not seem to like me, and I had just recently began my first full time job.  I pushed those thoughts aside, and discovered my legs were beginning to bother me, Dad said to me, "It will be ok, just stay steady and shift your legs when you are standing there"  I am proud of you son.  Even as I type that tears are welling up in my eyes man dad I sure could use you now.  The music began, and I walked out to what seemed like a sea of people.  Your family alone would have filled the room.  There were old friends, old co-workers all smiling.  I walked up and took my place, our pastor asking me if I needed a chair.  "Stay steady son"  "Stay Steady."


You were beautiful, and looking as though you forgot to breathe.  I just kept saying, I love you.  Who knew you would become even more beautiful  Our love has grown beyond just words.  You loved me when you took me to work when I didn't drive.  You loved me  when you encouraged me to get my license, go back to school, write a book.  Our love grew even more when we all we could do was cry when we thought there would be no children.  Why don't we go to this informational meeting about foster care?  Uh sure.  3 girls 2 boys later here we are.  When our son was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia, you studied and asked questions, days and nights spent at the foot of his hospital bed making sure he was never alone. Or when Katrina needed heart surgery, there you were in bed with her playing with a stethoscope.  Payten trying to deal with ADHD and feeling so sad you were there to encourage and strengthen her.  All of this then Connor comes to stay and you take him with open arms, watching over and loving him.  I know you are discouraged dealing with the pain but in this sea of trials, here we are still standing, still laughing, still loving. Stay steady my love we will get through this.  Happy Anniversary my love.

Grow old with me

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be..
-Robert Browning

I am a sensitive person, I don't apologize for this.  I value friendship and family at the highest.  When dad died I was fortunate to find comfort in my faith friends and family.  However when those areas come up lacking...there is always Erin

I am a thankful person, Erin is my help and at times my strength.  She is my greatest ally and my harshest critic.  We came together at a point in my life where I was lost, unsure and just tired.  I find her to be beautiful and funny, interesting and loving.  We are a team.

I am a blessed person,  we struggled to conceive and thought our later years would be spent with our nieces and nephews.  But it was Erin who wanted to go to the Foster Care Meeting.  A few years later, out lives are blessed with 5 lives.  Erin is responsible

I am a tired person, when I am weary at my job/life it is Erin with the "What is wrong, don't try to lie" I believe if I wanted to become a rodeo clown, she would start making calls to find the nearest rodeo college.  Yee-Haw

I am a needy person, she is sitting at the hospital ready to have angiogram.  I've had one before, all was fine, I don't believe this will be any different.  I just want you to know through all the storms I am thankful for our love.  There is so much more fun to come, grow old with me and find out :-)

Funny thing happened on the way to the hospital part 2: Rap attack!

Quick update, mom is improving and barring any major changes will go home today or perhaps tomorrow, please keep her in prayer.


Now with a little more sleep in me allow me to continue to share.  The two boys mother showed up after a long day at work and greeted us and began to attend to her mother.  They talked about the previous night and apparently the youngest grandson stayed up too late after having what his mother called "a rap attack."  The image in my head of me tired but rising up from bed with a Huey Lewis Harmonica attack came into my mind, and I laughed.

Hey man...got something for you

Um sure whats that?

A Zelda Rap I made just for you....

This should be interesting I thought....

(Disclaimer---from my memory might have been slightly different)

Zelda... be out hunting

Evil be around but he aint running

Goona save the princess and save the world 

Not sure how to rhyme about tri-force



I loved every bit of it, even if NERD ALERT Link was really behind the rescue.  Carry on!

I thanked him for the rap, and we talked about how little I recall about Rap (Sorry Jessie May still love you)

Mom at this point woke up and wanted see if her roomie was ok? and we shared some laughter and smiles,

and with that we began to get ready to leave for the night.

Erin, was going to stay and I would go home as I had a pretty nasty chest cold and was losing my voice.

Kissed my love, and then came in another grandson, a little older with a little boy and his wife.  We talked
about kids, discovered we adopted in the stream of things and we talked about the joy of kids. Since Erin was staying and it was a shared room we had to be moved a few doors down.  We promised to see them again and after a few more fist bumps and hugs we were on our way


 All this fellowship, this example of devotion just stirred something inside of me.  I acknowledge I am different and this may not be how everyone handles things but something about kindness, respect, and friendliness just does something to me.  Maybe that's why I have been manning a phone for 15 years :-)

Next morning, bought them a card wishing their grandma a full recovery and got them a couple of gift cards, not because I'm great or my wife, or I was trying to seek any praise, but just because I wanted to thank them for their love to my mother and to us.

I arrived and it was the grandsons visiting mom asking if she goona get another big mac, she laughed and said pot roast today my friend and after a few minutes he started to leave...

Aren't you going to give me a hug young man?

Can I??  sure!

Mom's blood pressure has been back and forth and as we tried to help her sleep I learned that the grandsons were leaving perhaps for the rest of the day.  It was then my mother said "you better go tell them good bye.

I made my way over with erin and after a few smiles, handed them the card, It was then the smiles came to tears.

Why did you do this??

You are good people!

I mean I just don't understand...you don't see my ...and for the first time he hesitated

Your color?

Yeah...

You are right, I don't "see" it I see a young man who loves his family his grandma and my mom you just happen to be black and I am a older balding fat man who happens to be white.

We hugged, "you are now my brother, I will never forget you Mr Bridgers, can I rap for you one more time?

Sure man, let it rip (probably a more hip response, but my hips hurt usually)

I won a talent show at school with this take a listen... (from memory)

Hundreds of years we were in chains

too many years spent as slaves

people all excited about the president you see

but it cant be all about him  change has to start with me

Education, knowledge that is the key

Stay in school and try to believe

keep love in your heart as Jesus says

and try to treat others as friends.

Did you like it?  You know my grandma got up on the stage with me and rapped

I couldn't form words for a moment, remembering growing up, remembering my father's confederate flag and putting that little scholastic newspaper announcing the official Martin Luther King holiday next to it writing "take down the flag dad"  He did.  Our family for its warts and failings strive to love others and I am thankful for that.

Did you like it?!!!??

Yes I did,you keep the meaning of the song together change those hearts and minds and remember the love the Christ has for you, you will do amazing things.  You are amazing!

So much love, and we parted ways, noticing...there was no curtain dividing us anymore, all started with cutting up a salad


Mom, we love you thank you for loving us and loving others