Happy Anniversary Mom

My mom and I have had an interesting relationship for as long as I can remember.  Lots of love and a little frustration.  39 years ago today she married my dad in California, and today is the first time she wont have him next to her to celebrate.  Now I get that he is in heaven and "looking down" as it were but right now my mom struggles with missing the warm hand caressing her cheek, the laugh that calmed her and the request for coffee at 4am.  She refuses to sleep in the bedroom, instead most nights sleeping in the recliner we bought for dad for his return home.  She finds herself still upset at God, but each day I believe she gets stronger.  It is so hard watching someone you love so much go through such pain.  Words really aren't as soothing as I wish they were and a mention of memory of dad gets laughter then tears.

 Growing up she was the one on her knees praying for her kids.  She fought for us, even if she unleashed her tirades at the wrong teacher or schoolyard bully a time or 2.  When I was younger, I lashed out at mom and told her I wanted "God to get her" for how she treated me.  She in turn got the operator on the line and had them pretend to be the direct extension to Heaven or the Police and by the end of it I was crying....noooooooo mommy I do love you.  She loved to wear scarves on her head, but when she did we would joke that they made her mean so we would hide them from her.  Through all that and our various love life questions (Mom why does random grade school girl not like me, mom why does random middle school/high school girl not like me, is it because of my legs, What do you mean Erin likes me, mom you are crazy.....)  she was there holding our family together. 

Life is funny, you get only a certain amount of years on this earth believing your parents are amazing, then stupid, then weird, then a brief visit back to stupid, then you realize they love you so deeply its beyond comprehension and you view them in truest sense as beautiful people that sacrificed so much just for their kids.  So we honor her today by saying mom we will fall short of those qualities but we will take care of you and love you.  There may be a hole in your heart that only time and God can fill, but we will try our best to hold that heart up.  My parents passion was us, My parents love was towards us, and our parents legacy was us.

 Mom we love you, we will help you & we will honor you.  Dad would want that, and I can only speak for myself but we want that too.  Love you mom

I'm 37...I'm not old

It has been very interesting to say the least these recent days.  So today was a bit more of a struggle than I expected.  But just a quick note

I have quite an interesting collection of friends and am very thankful for what you bring to my life.  I am richer for knowing you wether we agree on many things or few.  During this difficult time, I have found strength from so many friends.  So I am encouraged for what this next year will bring.  That I can be a better father and husband.   That I can bring honor to my father, and strengthen friendships.   That I can finally lose this weight.  That I can finally sit down and write this book.  Take time over the next few days to talk to each other, to put away old grudges and come together.  Laugh, encourage, complain but just move forward one day at a time.  So all my love and respect and if you need me, you know where to look.

Good Morning Dad

I started back at work today after an extended period of time off, to try to begin to deal with the loss of my Dad.  Having the peace that he is in heaven is such a great comfort, but I find myself fighting other feelings and frustrations that under any other circumstance would just not exist.  I took the girls to school today and as they opened the door the looked up to the sky and said "Good morning Papaw"  "We miss you"  "I hope you are having a good breakfast"  I've spent the last couple of nights dealing with thoughts of jealousy, bitterness and anger.  I've asked for distance but yet get upset when I haven't heard from folks, I mean what sense does that make?  My goal is to live a life honoring to my father and assess where I am as a person.  I can only do that one day at a time with the help of my amazing wife, children family and friends.  So for today I end with this:

Good Morning Dad

I miss you

I hope you are having a good breakfast

Time to Rest

Time to rest soldier your work on Earth is done

You have fought the last battle, the last race has been run

The mansions up in glory need a handyman that's great

someone perhaps wearing a Nascar cap with the Number 48

We miss you already no words could accurately say

 how you impacted us every single day.

Your life was one of service love and devotion

of sacrifice and patience of every noble notion

You certainly got mad at times and though your words might have made a sailor blush

You respected others and you loved us all so much.

So rest my weary soldier in the arms of the Savior, blessed assurance our faith does not waver

No need to worry about mom now she is right by our side however we are a poor substitute for you are

always on her mind.

Just past the clouds beyond the sunset we know you wait.

To greet us all one by one as we enter Heaven's gates


Stephen Bridgers anything but a common man, an extraordinary man who left a legacy to his family of respect, hard work and love.  May we continue that, one day at a time

1,000,000 things I want to say and 2,000,000 ways I want to say it.

I woke up this morning, to a call from my brother that Dad had a fever and was having complications with his lungs.  It seems as though for the past 2 weeks, every day there is a call and with it a sense of rising dread. I arrived and sat by his bedside in the ICU for about 3 hours and talked to him while the very kind nurse comforted me and offered my a warm blanket and apple juice.  I sat transfixed at my father watching his every breath in hopes of a moment of lucidity as I bored him with stories of the previous days events.  I made sure that he knew that we loved him, that we were proud of him and he was so brave for going through his 2nd surgery in 2 weeks.  His hair has gone mostly gray, with a few sports of dark hair remaining and it was all i could do not to cry when I would see tears form in his eyes as they would move to check him. 

Various doctors came in throughout the day at it seems that now treatment will take a bit longer.   By the end of the evening he finally awoke and we gradually went back into pairs to see him.  I finally saw his eyes and a moment of a smile as he talked briefly to my uncle apologizing for something then apologizing to my wife and then looked at me and said, "I have 1,000,000 things I want to say to you and 2,000,000 ways I want to say it."  Figuring he had discovered my midnight trips to the Mexican border, I did not know how to react.  He also said, "I want you to write something on the computer for me to read."  So if you will allow me a moment more of your time I shall share with you a few of those things he would like me to say on his behalf:

Thank you Lord for giving me another day

Thank you Lord for my precious wife of 39 years we are a matching pair and you have been with me through thick and thin.  You are very precious to me, and you dont have to make me anymore hot dogs on a piece of bread for at least a month!  I love you

Thank you my sons and daughters for getting through this difficult time with only minor injuries.  I am sorry for not always being there for every event but I worked hard to keep food on the table and clothes on your backs.  Thank you for taking care of your mother.

Tara:   I gave you a lot of grief through this but thank you for making me go to the doctor.  I love you Chey, and you too Devin.  Dusty come fix my carburetor (not responsible for misspelled car part names)

David:   I am so proud of who you have become you work so very hard and you never give up, Tara you are perfect for him also...can you pay me while I am in here maybe throw in a little overtime.  Brittany, Nikki & Scott I love you too.

Julie:   Your mom and I love you very much and want you to succeed in life you can do it you just got to get off your rear and do it. (I say rear but you know what dad would really say :-)  ) We love Connor and are so thankful for him

Tracy:   Thank you for staying with me, you are good mother and you tried to rub my feet, it was a decent attempt but only Kevin knows how to rub them.  We love you Maryanne, Rebekkah, Lauren, Christian

Gina:   I am so sorry for all those years I didnt see you and Tim, I do love you and I will make more of an effort to communicate with you.

Carolyn:   I appreciate you and Bobby & Bo coming out to see me.  I wish I lived closer thank you so much for loving and praying for me.

Erin:   I love you and I am impressed with your determination and love.  Serena, Pay-Pay, Katrina & Collin Papaw and Mamaw love you honey.

Obviously there are so many people dad would like to thank but I will leave at that to say this.  Enjoy this thanksgiving whether its you and your cat or you and 23 friends.  There is so much to be thankful for and so little time to express it.  Put aside the differences and Put family back together, wherever they are.  Spend, record, receive every moment that it give you strength during those days and months when you are weary.  Play board games, watch football, make jokes, smile, reflect on all that has been given to us.  Because we are never promised tomorrow, I am just thankful dad got to today.  Hey dad stop reading and go back to sleep!

Where the rubber meets the road

I cant sleep, I spend more time now thinking of things to calm me as we go down more of a rougher road than I was expecting. 

Dad has struggled and is still in the hospital, needing a second surgery which was needed it seems in part due to some nurse issues.  He sits in the recovery room right now sedated in part to let his body rest.  He looks like he's lost some weight which puts me back in the lead for "family gut of the year."  The surgeon told mom to go home today because "pardon me ma'am but you look like hell."  

I honestly don't know which end is up right now.  It sure is easier when times are better to sit down on Thanksgiving and thank the Lord for all he has given us.  However when the boat really rocks do we sit still and know God is really there and listening or do we jump out of the ship?  It really is a struggle at times.  Then I come home and there are my biggest supporters.  Daddy, we are going to have a humming contest want to join us.  So I join in and for about 30 minutes we have a "contest" followed by some bedtime stories and talks about what is going on with papaw.  So I climb back onto the boat and the waves hit, It is well with my soul sounds good.  Funny how the Lord knows just who to use to get me back on board.  Dad please come home, I need to hear those stories again, I need to hold your hand to see if my grip is stronger than yours.  I need you to come to my garage to look for random things to take home to "fix." 

I just need you

Dad

Tomorrow is Veterans Day, a day which is set aside to thank and remember those who serve and have served our country.  I am fortunate to have a father who served in the Marines and is very proud of that, as he was stationed in California he never had to go to war but he was prepared to do so. 

He lies in a hospital bed at this moment 67 years old and filled with tubes and monitors.  He had a quadriple bypass today and he came through just fine.  While we sat there today comforting my mother telling her it will be just fine, when deep down in the core of yourself you have doubts, I thought of my dad.  My earliest memories were of him holding me on the couch after a long day at work or letting me watch him build things in the garage.  He was larger than life to me, a superhero who when I needed him, he was there with a smile and a hand to help me.  We drove once to meet a man I believe about some car parts and it was just me and him in his old pickup truck.  We picked up the parts and began to head home, I began to drift off to sleep and laid my head in his lap.  He scratched my head and sang to me a song, Abilene, Abilene, prettiest town I've ever seen Abilene.  I didnt get it but it was ok because he sang it to me.

He worked all the time, sometimes 10-12 hours a day.  Cable TV installer in its early days, forman, warehouse worker, ditch digger anything to put food on the table.  He would come over and slump into the chair, mom had a meal ready for him and he would ask me to rub his feet.  His feet ached so much and I loved him, so I'd rub and rub untill he would fall asleep in the chair.  He'd wake up early mom would hand him over a coffee cup and off he would go.  He did this for over 40 years, never missed a day, always dependible, always dad.  He can strike up a conversation with anyone and always has an opinion about something.  I swear he wore the same 2 outfits for decades as he didnt ask for clothes or shoes just a few tools if something was broken and a hot dog on a piece of bread.  Because of my legs I had to buy special shoes which cost a small fortune and I could only afford once a year,  so he would work extra hours so I could have those shoes.  This type of life made spending time with him hard, but when we did I always cherished it. 

My 1st baseball game was with him Reds vs Giants as we stood in line my father walked up to the front of the line got a policeman and asked if I could move to the front of the line as it was my first game and my legs were acting up.  The officer and crowd obliged him.  I began to believe he was magical.  We went down by the first base side to get autographs and there was the "Cobra"  Dave Parker signing autographs.  We got there as Mr Parker began to walk away.  I then hear "Mr Parker!!  Mr Parker!!  wont you sign an autograph for a handicapped child?!??  As I began to feel the pain of embarassment surrounding me I hear, Hey kid got something for me to sign, your dad really loves you.  I responded with the answer of MRRRPHLJ.  My dad is something else :-)  We spent the rest of the day at a dinner and began the drive home, I fell asleep my dad with his arm around me...."Abilene....Abilene.....(I really should ask him about that).

When I graduated high school, I was accepted to college and I began the process of preparing to leave.  It was down in eastern Kentucky and dad was to drive me down there.  We drove down in a 1984 Renault which got .08 miles to the gallon, and any speed beyond 55 mph the car would shake.  We were passed by every car for over 100 miles by the time we got to Berea, I was sure the car was to explode.  But we got there and dad and I carried my few boxes in.  As we finished up, he turned to me with tears in his eyes "I have never been more proud of you" he kissed me on the head and drove that little blue car back home.  He could have purchased a more reliable car but he wanted to make sure we could have a roof over our head and I could have a little spending money for school.

All these memories flood back to me as I ran to his room this morning just wanting a moment more to see him before they wheeled him in.  This man who to me is larger than life, who should be talked about instead of fame seeking reality show wives or sports figures.  Loving his family for 40+ years, giving till he could give no more laying on that bed looking helpless, fragile and scared.  Dont worry bout me son, I'll be fine  Ill be fine I'll be fine.  I dont want to be at this point at my life regardless of what I believe, I want him to be young again watching westerns with me, singing songs with one verse, working on project that never get finished.  I dont want to see my mother look so fragile and lost without him on the verge of passing out.  I want her to live on singing elvis records to me, getting frustrated at dad and throwing pillows at him.  I dont get to change the past I have to cherish now. 

So Erin and I went into to see him after the surgery and we had just a few moments.  I held his hand and stroked his hair as he lay there asleep.  I told him how much I loved him and joked that he will get the snow blower he wants this Christmas and I notice the nurse taping a "Happy Veterans Day" sign to his door.  I thanked her for the gesture and began to walk out, but dad in case you didnt hear me I sang you a song....."Abilene Abilene....prettiest town I ever seen"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1b2M8u90yQ