Happy Anniversary Mom

My mom and I have had an interesting relationship for as long as I can remember.  Lots of love and a little frustration.  39 years ago today she married my dad in California, and today is the first time she wont have him next to her to celebrate.  Now I get that he is in heaven and "looking down" as it were but right now my mom struggles with missing the warm hand caressing her cheek, the laugh that calmed her and the request for coffee at 4am.  She refuses to sleep in the bedroom, instead most nights sleeping in the recliner we bought for dad for his return home.  She finds herself still upset at God, but each day I believe she gets stronger.  It is so hard watching someone you love so much go through such pain.  Words really aren't as soothing as I wish they were and a mention of memory of dad gets laughter then tears.

 Growing up she was the one on her knees praying for her kids.  She fought for us, even if she unleashed her tirades at the wrong teacher or schoolyard bully a time or 2.  When I was younger, I lashed out at mom and told her I wanted "God to get her" for how she treated me.  She in turn got the operator on the line and had them pretend to be the direct extension to Heaven or the Police and by the end of it I was crying....noooooooo mommy I do love you.  She loved to wear scarves on her head, but when she did we would joke that they made her mean so we would hide them from her.  Through all that and our various love life questions (Mom why does random grade school girl not like me, mom why does random middle school/high school girl not like me, is it because of my legs, What do you mean Erin likes me, mom you are crazy.....)  she was there holding our family together. 

Life is funny, you get only a certain amount of years on this earth believing your parents are amazing, then stupid, then weird, then a brief visit back to stupid, then you realize they love you so deeply its beyond comprehension and you view them in truest sense as beautiful people that sacrificed so much just for their kids.  So we honor her today by saying mom we will fall short of those qualities but we will take care of you and love you.  There may be a hole in your heart that only time and God can fill, but we will try our best to hold that heart up.  My parents passion was us, My parents love was towards us, and our parents legacy was us.

 Mom we love you, we will help you & we will honor you.  Dad would want that, and I can only speak for myself but we want that too.  Love you mom

I'm 37...I'm not old

It has been very interesting to say the least these recent days.  So today was a bit more of a struggle than I expected.  But just a quick note

I have quite an interesting collection of friends and am very thankful for what you bring to my life.  I am richer for knowing you wether we agree on many things or few.  During this difficult time, I have found strength from so many friends.  So I am encouraged for what this next year will bring.  That I can be a better father and husband.   That I can bring honor to my father, and strengthen friendships.   That I can finally lose this weight.  That I can finally sit down and write this book.  Take time over the next few days to talk to each other, to put away old grudges and come together.  Laugh, encourage, complain but just move forward one day at a time.  So all my love and respect and if you need me, you know where to look.

Good Morning Dad

I started back at work today after an extended period of time off, to try to begin to deal with the loss of my Dad.  Having the peace that he is in heaven is such a great comfort, but I find myself fighting other feelings and frustrations that under any other circumstance would just not exist.  I took the girls to school today and as they opened the door the looked up to the sky and said "Good morning Papaw"  "We miss you"  "I hope you are having a good breakfast"  I've spent the last couple of nights dealing with thoughts of jealousy, bitterness and anger.  I've asked for distance but yet get upset when I haven't heard from folks, I mean what sense does that make?  My goal is to live a life honoring to my father and assess where I am as a person.  I can only do that one day at a time with the help of my amazing wife, children family and friends.  So for today I end with this:

Good Morning Dad

I miss you

I hope you are having a good breakfast

Time to Rest

Time to rest soldier your work on Earth is done

You have fought the last battle, the last race has been run

The mansions up in glory need a handyman that's great

someone perhaps wearing a Nascar cap with the Number 48

We miss you already no words could accurately say

 how you impacted us every single day.

Your life was one of service love and devotion

of sacrifice and patience of every noble notion

You certainly got mad at times and though your words might have made a sailor blush

You respected others and you loved us all so much.

So rest my weary soldier in the arms of the Savior, blessed assurance our faith does not waver

No need to worry about mom now she is right by our side however we are a poor substitute for you are

always on her mind.

Just past the clouds beyond the sunset we know you wait.

To greet us all one by one as we enter Heaven's gates


Stephen Bridgers anything but a common man, an extraordinary man who left a legacy to his family of respect, hard work and love.  May we continue that, one day at a time