5 is greater than 236

Growing up, I would say I was active.  Living with Cerebral Palsy as a child in the 80's meant visiting the doctor to have my legs evaluated, purchasing special shoes twice a year to wear with my "magic legs"  (I had magic legs well before the Gump guy).  I played outside and played lots of "Robot War" "Space War"  "Princess picnic War (when I had to include my sisters).  Cable TV was still in its infancy and we just didn't have that kind of money needed for an Atari.  My brother and I had many wrestling matches he was "The Iron Shiek" and I was "Jimmy Superfly Snuka"  Now this wasn't intended to sound like on of those cheesy Facebook posts that I bet no one will post on their wall because they DONT LOVE PUPPIES!!  What I ate was quickly burnt off within the next day or so.  High School was more of the same,  Id eat but I did enough to keep in decent shape which I needed to be in to stay away from all those girls that...ran...after....me.... Ok they didnt.  Upon entering college, I discovered....cheesecake Tuesdays.  Berea College had what amounted to an island of cheesecake and I was hooked.  I may have taken cheesecake to class....

Today, I struggle to go up stairs, lifting the kids can be hazardous and outside is where I go to get into my car to drive to work.  I sit all day and I slump over exhausted when I get home.  Cerebral Palsy is difficult but the hardest problem I have now is my weight.  I am 236 pounds, and I feel like I'm dying.  I take at least 5 medicines a day and I have Sleep Apnea which means I have to wear a breathing machine just to sleep at night, and that sleep isn't restful.  I say these things to lay these cards on the table not for your pity, its time to change.  I believe I have the beginnings of the plan.  Going to begin to lift weights tonight and make some changes that hopefully will work.  Our plan is to take the kids to Disneyland in late May, and I want to be able to enjoy it without a motorized wheelchair.  I mean Erin has lost near 60lbs by simply changing her eating habits.  My goal is to lose 60 pounds.  My wife needs a husband that can help her, my kids need a father who can be there for them. I need to get this off my back, or chest, or stomach, rear....etc..... Every challenge in my life I have taken head on and for the most part have conquered.  I have to do this, I will do this, just watch, please watch and tell me to put down the cheesecake...

Heart exam

I loved kickball growing up, it was intense.  Going to a private school as a young child, it was the only game where everybody played.  You had the team captains who tried to pick the best players quickly so I generally was last.  Which was fine because more often than not it meant my brother picked me, I was his special weapon you see.  Part sacrificial lamb was I when I came up to kick.  David played to the crowd early reminding everyone of my fragile legs and tendency to fall before I got to first base so why not go easy on him.  I didn't mind so much I just wanted to kick.  My kicks never went out of the infield but I ran as though I was running from a wild stampede, each step possibly my last.  Then there was the falling, and the tearing of the corduroy pants (more patches for my pants thanks mom).  But at that base was my brother yelling at me to not give up, get mad Kev, get up Kev, they are going to get you Kev.  I got up.

Soon after we moved to public school and my brothers interest grew to cars and girls, but he always found time to play with me.  Our epic wrestling matches either concluded with me submitting to the camel clutch, or jumping from the top of the staircase as my favorite wrestler "Jimmy Superfly Snuka" did except the opponent layed still on the ground and David always rolled away.  Get up Kev *poke poke* are you still alive?  Oh yeah you are breathing.

He and I once had an epic battle with boards, in which one landed on my head and fastened itself there with a nail.  I thought it was cool to go inside and show mom as David ran up the street exclaiming "I did not do WHATEVER he said.  I was fine till I felt the blood coming down the side of my head, and I screamed.

I thought of these things as I sat with him at the hospital today while he had a angiogram done.  As I picked him up to take him to the hospital he was more concerned about my driving skills then his hospital arrival.  Don't worry Kev I'll be fine.

I thought back to the time as kids when I came home crying because a friend of his made fun of me and called me a few names not fit to print.  My brother disappeared and an hour later here appeared the boy, face bruised telling me he was sorry and he disappeared.  Or the time he wrote me a letter, right before he got married telling me to keep doing my exercises and that he loved me.  I feel sometimes I so freely tell people I care and love them almost to the point where those words may not have as much impact.  My brother says little in those regards, but when he does they attach themselves to me like pieces of armor that help me to press on during the day.  Get up Kev....Keep Going Kev...Feet down and straight Kev....You can do this.

We spent the day talking about ridiculous shows we watched and how i needed to support Erin and eat right to lose weight, we laughed at the old times where I nearly wrecked his 5-speed he tried to teach me to drive in, or today when I tried to turn left where there was no place to turn left.  Then there he was this larger than life person who always worked hard for everything that found things in me I didn't even know i had, lying there helpless.  Get up David, Get mad David you can do this.  Tonight he left the hospital to go to another hospital where his father-in law is dying of cancer.  I started to walk to my car when I heard, Kevin thank you and I walked back and we hugged.  My childhood hero hugged me and for that moment I was 10 again, and it felt just fine.  If you have a grudge tonight lose it, hug you kids, put others first.

The measure of a man

In honor of Keith

We couldn’t have been any different the day we met.  It was the 1^st day of middle- school; I was new to the area and very nervous.  I  do not really remember most of what  I wore but  I do remember wearing an old hand-me down leather jacket that was my brothers, it made me look cool…in a 1985 sort of way.  You and I met at the bus stop, you wore dragon earrings complete with red gems for the eyes and a Guns N Roses hat, shirt, pants and shoes.  You scared me to death; this is what most drug dealers looked in my Miami Vice imagination.  We greeted each other with the glance that men give to one another, a shrug and on the bus we went for the next hour and a half.  I wanted to know how things were at the school.  You said it was hell man, you better watch it….I was scared and then you laughed.  Our entertainment on those bus rides was a collection of tunes played from Brandon’s radio.  Surprisingly though there was no Huey Lewis played but lots of GNR.  Afternoons were spent with you and me and your sock puppet Mr. Evil that always was there to annoy the girls on the bus. We were much younger then.

I started visiting and we played Atari football, the thing I remember most about Atari football was what we called “The Dirty Trick’ where you could run off the screen and show up behind the quarterback on the opposite side for an easy sack.  He he Kevin you have beeeeen defeated you would say.  Wait till you go to sleep was my response always.  If we got bored we would go play with the tobacco sticks in the the holler (or holla...the deep part of the country where you would likely get eaten by a raccoon and never be seen again) by throwing them at each other, till one friend got hurt and we never saw him again (His magic shield failed apparently).

I lived in the country, back when you might go to the main town once a week apart from school, down old Highway 22.  It was a scenic route that passed a place known as four corners where on the corner was a little grocery store known as Covey’s Grocery.   As what may have amounted as a bribe at the time your grandmother bought us a yoo hoo and a snack cake to go to church with her.  We would spend that time trying to get your nephews first words to be “soy sauce” because it struck us as heelaaaaaaaarious.  His mother didn’t seem to think so when it happened it was quite the news.  “If we get into trouble we’ll just outrun them” you would say.  But we don’t drive I would respond as the straight man.  “They’ll be too tired chasing us to be mad and we’ll have to go home” was your response.  Always with a plan, we were much craftier then.

Summers generally meant being cut off from the outside world so we would walk to each other’s house, usually with comics in tow.  You like Conan and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, especially when I did the voices.  You loved to say by Crom, usually when your mother would make you try to clean your room.  We had the 1st of our 2 fights (once over comics, once over a girl) and we lost most of that summer being mad.  I wish I had that back.  Remember that time we rode to the mall and back in the back of your grandparents pickup down Highway 25.  They were below that on the speedometer.  The line behind them was like nothing I had ever seen. “Get a whip for your horse and buggy old man” was what they said to him as he finally pulled off the road.  We waved at everyone passing by as they in turn waved to us with one finger.  We were a little crazier then.

Winter we would play laser tag in the snow (complete with the vest, who cares that the snow will short out the gun!   We kept busy inside by making recordings of our adventures that we titled “The Adventures of Lisa the Hair Spray Barbarian after your sister as she faced off with the evil Bar-bo which was after your mother.  We made commercials and I recall recording a lot of variations of Hanz and Franz (we are going to pump…you up).  We laughed a lot and you would always have a commercial end in some variation of “Kevin likes to dance with Bowl-legged women.”  I have never been able to figure that one out.   It was easier then, it was fun, our biggest concerns were having money to rent the latest video game, having time to make cornflake chicken, taking short cuts to the house and sliding down a muddy hill with Lisa’s new leather jacket on… then we had to grow up.  Your sister was in the worst wreck I ever seen right near your grandmother’s house and you screamed.  We knew she was dead there was so much blood.  I ran to you and you cried and cried please Lord let her live, I am so sorry for all the things I’ve done.  She lived and you have lots of Nieces and a Nephew.  I have failed you in telling them about you, I have failed in a lot of things as a matter of fact.  College was around the corner and you told me we were going to get an apartment and read comics and make lots of chicken.  You finally got your license and we drove the back roads looking for ghosts (No Lisa for the last time it was a Wal-Mart bag, not a ghost).  Then I moved, and with it those summers walking down the dirt road to your house were gone.  But we were always going to be together. Till I got that call.

“I got the big C  Kev”  I am sick.  We thought Cancer was in movies, besides we had a road trip to plan and future adventures.  I even have a girlfriend now…wait Keith don’t cry I’ll be right there.  I spent the summer of 1994 getting ready to enter college and visiting you while you went through chemo, then a colostomy all the while thinking of spending more time with your family and friends.  I had in my mind I was going to do something amazing, be a great actor, comedian, something to get me out of Grant County,  you were coming with me, you just had to…I can’t do anything without you.

“You need to come home Kev, there isn’t much time…he’s asking for you”

Is this? A dream?  I saw him last week; we were in the hospital assembling Legos and were acting out the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle graphic novel.  I came home and down to that hospital and you were….hanging on.  You said “Kevin?!??” and went back to sleep.  That is the last thing I heard you say. None of this is real, none of this is real, and where is God?  Take me instead, my life is nothing compared to his!!  Who in the world did I think I was?  Couple of weeks later I was back at school and then you were gone, 17 years ago.  I remember a funeral with so many people, I remember talking to the crowd and reading a poem I wrote for you, I bet you got a kick out of that “Kev….um dude…a poem I think you might be a sissy heheheeh”  Shut it Keith I still have some of your poems.  I remember making promises I did not keep to people whose love I don’t deserve.  Nothing made sense.

I struggled going back to school and ran away, I came home and nothing was the same, no dirt roads, no comics, no long discussions about girls, and certainly no experimental chicken recipes.  (Corn Flake Chicken…masterpiece).  Every person I saw with leather jacket and medium length hair was you.  If not for a handful of people who were there I would not be here (Tara, Jeremy, Dave, Jason, Sonya, Chrissy, Kim) among others I simply cannot express my thankfulness for your help.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I’ve even messed these friendships up.  Even now I struggle with friendships it came so easy with you, now there seem to be too many hoops to jump through.   But in all of this there was a plan, one more card left to play Keith…one more turn

There is a hill off of Highway 22 (now called Taft Highway even the road names change) where you are buried.  It is one of the most beautiful places I know, the wide open sky it’s always so quiet.  Gives you time to think, gives you time to say hello and goodbye any way you wish.  We visited not so long ago, and through your passing I was able to receive the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for my family.  I met Erin who is as much my best friend as well as my wife and we became foster and adoptive parents to 4 precious children who are my greatest treasure.  They know who you are and I show them the few pictures I have of you as an example of a friend that sticks to you long after they are gone.  I’ve reconnected with Lisa which was like gaining back a lost piece of you and me, she’s as funny as she’s always was and her children, I know you see them but they are beautiful. Gran is even still with us; while when she saw me her 1^st words were “Kevin you have gotten fat” You should have seen the look on Erin’s face.   Then we have my main man, my best buddy my choo choo boy, your namesake Collin Keith Allen Arnold.  We adopted him on Valentine’s Day of all days.  Serena is your giving heart, Payten is your nerdy side, Katrina is your sensitive side, and Collin…well he’s a bit of a wildman.  I can never forget you, but maybe just maybe I can begin to heal.  Maybe it’s time to simply say Thank You Keith.

10.00 glass of coke

Greetings to one and all, small delay in blog production as spent the weekend helping my sisters move to various locals.  If there is one thing I have learned from moving, the next time we move (which will be upon moving into the house we hope to build/die in), it is to move light.  Hopefully we can fit in the 4 plastic dora chairs and 2 cardboard boxes that will become our dining area. 

I like to think that most of the time Erin and I do a good job in fooling others into thinking we are decent parents.  The raised voices you hear are not that of a father about to pull his hair out at the 2,300 oh wait 2,301st attempt of getting my 3yr old in bed, but instead me leading them in a dramatic reading of Robert Frost poetry....I went to turn the grass once after one Who mowed it in the dew before the sun...good job girls!  However I think for the most part it seems we get by day by day.  So many more victories than defeats.  Except for tonight...

Erin calls me and asks if I wanted to go to Red Lobster, or as we call it when we are being romantic "RL"  I have a mental checklist of things I go over to prepare for non drive-thru dining.  Feel free to use this for your dining needs.

1. Is it resonably priced (can I get away with 4 kids eating from 2 plates of random food)
2. Is the waiter young or old (old waiter might not come back, young waiter might come back hoping for tip)
3. How close are we to each other (open floor plan with table and chairs means collin's goona bolt)
4. Bathrooms near (no girls the lady is not going to come in the stall with you)
5. Is there music playing?  (It might drown them out, if the chocolate milk stops flowing)

I came there tonight with high hopes, well maybe minimum hopes that I would get the one item I sought endless shrimp.  Some hope for glory, cash or fame I simply want shrimp.  Erin arrived with my chioldrens and as always they were happy to see me and showered me with love, then fought over who was to sit by me.  Serena felt it was her turn and began the pre-whining stage.  Its kinda like the levels of terror alerts.

1. Pouty limp followed by low moaning-Erin or I warn her to get back on track or I try to defuse the situation by asking for the shrimp menu.
2. Tears and whining Erin or I remove her from the room and go speak with her about her behavior, not before asking for the shrimp menu (Maybe I can smell it)
3. Stomping of feet followed by load moaning of unfairness and crying.  This is the final stage...everyone goes in different directions, I begin to look at other tables for their shrimp.  My children heading twords the door thanking Serena for our dining experience.  Erin overhears a parent say "Is she even wearing shoes"  No maam I ate those in lieu of shrimp.  5.00 for drinks and 5 dollar tip for the patient man later we are home.

Tomorrow is a new day?!?? Right?!??   Hug your kids....buy frozen shrimp

I saw the light

You ever just feel so weary you are almost on auto pilot hoping that the generic responses you are giving to folks are just enough to get by, and if not you just don't care anyway.  That's how it seemed today until the end of the day when I was reminded whats important.

The county has spent the better part of a month working on the street in front of my house.  It started off well with the appearance of of county vehicles complete with hard hats, and equipment, and big trucks.  One side one week, other side the next about two weeks give or take.  Generally the two week response is the limit you are willing to give folks as anything beyond that seems silly.  Unless you are in construction apparently.  The first week began well, with the county breaking up the road, and the concrete company pouring the concrete and smoothing it out little by little.  Till the concrete company decides to take a vacation for a few days, because thats what you need after a few hours work is a vacation.  We then discovered that we were not the concrete company's primary concern as we were a "side job."  Admittedly I was annoyed but not as much as it was not on my side of the road.  Last week no work whatsoever from either side, at least some of that due to rain.  Perhaps they needed a vacation to remember the last vacation.  Needless to say its not been a fun time but then again maybe I am clueless I just don't know.  As a society do we pride ourselves on working hard or hardly working?  I dunno that got a little rantish so lets move on....

I left work tonight and had the pleasure of meeting some friends that Erin and I mentor through foster care through the State of Kentucky.  Its a program designed to support new foster parents in those early weeks to keep them encouraged and strong and keep them from burning out too quickly.  These folks are great people who have already had a number of placements in their home and have seen some of the issues but mostly the great joys of becoming a foster parent.  Hardly working is not in their category.

So I get home from late shift and then talking with them when I call Erin to figure out my parking situation.  Unfortunately I need to park farther down but at least I am thankful I am on the road.  I begin to walk up the sidewalk, figuring I would limp by the neighbor across the streets house a little more than usual since he allowed the college girls to park in his driveway.....stupid non out of shape people grumble grumble ...grumble stupid big hole in my street when I see the light...of what appears to be a flashlight coming towards me.  The sidewalk is in various stages of disarray and whoever is shining that light has it right on my eyes.  Then I hear "March...March...March....going to save Daddy March March, come on girls we have to get to Daddy and save him"  Here comes my 3 daughters led by my oldest...2 I know have problems with the dark...marching to me.  I called out to them and they told me "Mommy said we could walk you home"  Those 3 girls continue to shine their love right through my heart.  Cherish your children, seek to help others and if the frustrations of the world wear you down, keep pressing on you might just see some kids coming with a flashlight, you cant have them though they are all mine!!

I love you my sweethearts

We are who we thought we were

That line is famous from Dennis Green a former NFL football coach who after being defeated in a football game (too tired to go get actual footage sorry) rambled on in a press conference like few before him had. It was pretty funny, but the phrase seemed fitting considering today.

I had only been at my job for a little over 3 years and Erin and I had just recently celebrated our 1st anniversary.  I woke up that day getting ready for work as I did most everyday, Erin watching Saved by the Bell on TBS ( I'm soooooooooo excited......I'm soooooooooooo excited......Zach help me).  After I finished getting dressed I turned on the Today show where the headline was "Michael Jordan to come out of retirement to play for the Wizards" was the lead story.  Micheal Jordan did not need to come back, but the desire to play at a high level was too great or perhaps his gambling debts were so great that the Illuminati threatened him who knows.... I believe he had mediocre results and he wasn't quite what he thought he was

I arrive at work and put on my headset still filled with that youthful joy that says that the Customers are not bent on making me miserable and that one of my co-workers wasnt trying to sap my life force.  I wasn't far removed from the greatest tragedy in my life and had just gotten back to the point of dealing with things.  Then everything went numb

"Anyone hear anything?"
"Something about the World Trade Center"
"Why is someone calling me asking if I am alright"
"Erin why are you...huh what do you mean...that doesnt make wait they want us to go downstairs I'll call you back, I have been told to turn the phones off, yes I am ok honey I love you too"

Say what you will about where I work and what I do, but we stopped, the world stopped and we prayed.  I prayed with a guy named Pete, an older man who had been on trips to Israel and loved the Jewish people.  We cried.

I got home and Erin and I held each other, her family are not the huggy type that was a gene passed in spades in my family however.  But we held each other, we called friends, looked up in the sky and listened for planes.  It was so quiet, not like out in the country quiet but that uneasy quiet as you ponder what comes next.  As it became clear that a small group of attackers were responsible and their leader would spend the next ten years broadcasting his hate, it was clear this was time to figure out what  we were as a nation.  We were brave in the face of unspeakable horror, we were angry, we were loving, we were hateful, we were confused.  In that span of time we saw lawmakers standing on the steps singing God Bless America which if they stood together now it might be a bit uneasy.  We saw kindness on a global scale with so many workers came to the aid of those who fell.  Then I went to Wal-Mart..

Collin and I went to Wal-Mart today to get some supplies for the house and I am going down the road when I see off to the side a man on a bullhorn exclaiming "9/11 is a lie, it was an inside job"  They assembled their free speech right next to the BP complete with homemade misspelled sign "The Truth abouth 9/11 the Truth Cormission." 

I am easy going as can be but I found myself debating whether or not I could drive the car through their sign while getting gas.  Then I saw my son wave at them and say "Daddy they silly"  Yeah son they are but we are America a land of freedom beyond compare where those guys can have their sign, without fear of the police taking them away for questioning only to find themself in jail for many years.  Where I can raise my children to love others and help others and have compassion, where I am fortunate to have work and a roof over my head.  Where I can still go to church without fear of government shutdown.  We are blessed beyond measure and we are who we thought we were Americans who in the face of a great tragedy can still come together and face the challenges ahead.  Those attackers couldn't stand that.  May we never forget the sacrifices of so many for our freedoms.

Mornings with Pay-Pay

Saturday is a great day the children awaken before sunrise desiring to open the box of rice crispy treats with the goal of eating them before 8am.  You would roll over to greet your wife but you find yourself on the couch instead, sleeping with your sons "vroom vroom blanket" How did I get here?!??

Today was a trip to the eye-doctor with Payten.  Payten was the 1st child we adopted in 2006 and if children can have parental qualities at an early age I would best guess Pay-Pay as we call her is my dreamy/friendly side.  This age with kids seems to be filled with questions about people and their surroundings and today was no different.

We had a cat named Eli that recently disappeared and Payten was the most affected by it.  As we got in the car and drove to the doctor Payten exclaims "Yes...now for my plan!"

"Plan?!??"

"Yes daddy I believe today is a day that we should bring back a kitty!"
(easy as that dad)

Well I did what any resonable father tries to do, "Change the Subject!"

K:  Well, today is eye-doctor day lets get you some glasses!  (Complete with thumbs up, you see my kids are 7 and under not filled with the embarrassed by father feelings....yet)

P:  Well I'm sure the doctor has cats I can at least borrow one for today.

K:  Sweetie the cats arent sold at eye-doctor shops....you see dear (as I try to bring reason and bigger words into the conversation)

P:  I dont need to buy one just borrow it.

K:  I love you payten

We arrive at the shop and Payten immediately spots the fish tank and ponders life as a fish as she becomes oblivious to my cries of "Payten come here"

We arrive at the counter and without missing a beat, Payten walks behind the counter and asks where the cats were kept. 

"sweetie we got no cats here"

"You have any at home" (Please don't say yes...please)

"why yes I do dear"  ( X-men mutant mind wipe fail)

"Well you should bring him here, I am very onsible ( onsible-partial spelling of responsible, cute points +25)

The lady to her credit laughed and from behind her back pulls out a pink kitty kat case.

"Daddy my plan worked!"

I do believe it it did my dear.  I do believe it did......

Just what this internet needs more blogging!

Hello friends, enemies, and secret groups that conspire against me.  I have entered the world of blogging which when I say the word always reminds me of flogging.  This one thought has made me nervous to blog.  Other words that cause me laughter and nervousness include:  Motif (mo-teeth) Omnibus (Omneee-bus) and Repulsive.  However I have decided to try it. I shall start with a brief word of testimony followed by wild political thoughts and biblical thoughts that should get me a nice crowd of folks!!  No never mind I'll start with just the basics for now.  I have been blessed to have been born 3 months premature with Cerebral Palsy.  This affects my mobility greatest of all followed by my waist and hands.  I came in weighing 2 lbs 8 ounces and I have managed to make up for that weight thanks to my favorite food chicken.  I am married to a wonderful woman, and have adopted 4 great kids which I will mention more frequently along with other things I find interesting about this world.  So for now I encourage you to go out and be an encouragement to someone and I shall have more to write about soon.

If you have any questions or stories of yore let me know,